So.. I've always had trouble with my weight.

That's what most people say, right!? It's sort of a lie for me, but only sort of. I have never thought of myself as a healthy weight. I was always taller than everyone else at school, and solider and just, well, not like them. And as you do, I always compared myself to them and decided that I was overweight. My whole group of friends were basically short, skinny girls.. and then there was me.

It's only looking back now that I realise what an absolute nutbag I was. I was fucking beautiful. My Year 10 formal pictures make me want to cry, I was so gorgeous. And I always, always had doubts. I was upset because it was a Size 14 dress, I remember standing in the shop dressing room bawling because of what size it was. But you know what? I looked good. And just never realised it. I kept that dress all these years, because I want there to be a time when I am able to put that dress on again and just strut. I'll never wear it out again (no more formals, thank god) but it's a goal for me.

I started having relationship troubles with my exboyfriend in Year 11. He fucked with my self esteem and my personality so bad, what I wouldn't give to change the past. My weight started getting worse then. I went up a dress size by the end of high school, and I hated myself even more in Year 12. Those photos I would burn today, if I could. Not flattering. I have now also developed a phobia of ANYTHING strapless. *shudder*

And then. I started university right after. University - a hellish time of insane classes, weird timetables, social isolation and then. Cafes. Having 8pm tutorials, and the only thing being open was a KFC 5 minutes down the road. Never having time (or effort) to actually pack food, because I was always so damn late to everything. The joys of having a car and passing by drive-thru after drive-thru on the long way home. Excuses, yep. But the weight.. oh, the weight.

I'm not overweight anymore. I am, rather, fat. And it doesn't offend me when I say that because I don't have my head stuck in the sand anymore. I know I am. And for the past year, I have been trying to change that. I exercise. I try different eating plans. I get geared up for success and then get disappointed when nothing happens.

The most recent blow was starting a Shake Diet, going off it after a week because of getting the flu, and then my stomach deciding to tell me that it really didn't ever like the taste of those shakes, thankyouverymuch. So now, I have 4 bags of meal replacements that would last me another three weeks should I use them, but the thought of drinking them makes me want to vomit.

And I have a partner who has given up on me, and doesn't know why he bothers supporting me anymore. And I have online friends who have been amazingly supportive and understand when things go wrong. And I have a mother who is also really really good about it all, and is now encouraging me 100% to try something different. And then there's me, who's just desperate to get back into that Year 10 formal dress.

Yes, I've always had a problem with my weight. That's right. MY WEIGHT.