If you are American, anyway. If you are Australian and you celebrate Halloween, bah humbug to you. And your pesky little children, too. If you are American, you will probably think I am a mean bitch after reading this post. Sorry about that.

I cannot stand it when people here (here being Sydney) use the Halloween excuse as a means to run around ringing doorbells for hours on end (CONSTANTLY too, geez, fuck off!) and demanding lollies.

I mean, excuse me? Do you SEE any pumpkins around here? Any autumn leaves falling off trees? Any spooky decorations? No? Excellent. Go away now.

Perhaps I should put some handy pointers down about this subject. So you can see what a grouch I actually am about it all.

• You only need to ring the damn doorbell once, assholes


• You should not be roaming the streets BY YOURSELF when you are all of six years old. Where the hell are your parents? Hello, child molestors?


• We don't celebrate this holiday and the fact that you aren't even dressed up? You are not worth the effort of going downstairs.


• If there were any lollies or candy in this house I would have eaten it already, so I wouldn't give it to some snotty little brat that I just saw stomping through the garden to get to the damn door anyway.

So while I gleefully ignore the constantly ringing doorbell and restrain myself from hanging a rude note on the front door, let me leave you with this nice video.

P.S. I still want me some candycorn.