A Letter to my Body.

Dear Body,

I refuse to make this post a whinging rant about you. Sure, it would be nice to pass the blame and talk about how miserable you make me, but that is not what this is about. I could talk about my multitude of flaws, but it's not about that either.

When push comes to shove, I just want to be comfortable in you, I really do. I don't want to have to hide you, or feel paranoid in public. I don't want to flinch when my other half looks at me, or have him disappointed in me because I'm not what I'm supposed to be, whatever that is. I don't want to feel like this forever.

I'm sorry that I compare you to other people, because it's really not fair. You are different, you don't fall into a particular size or shape category. How is it possibly healthy for me to walk into a room and automatically assess if I'm going to be the largest person there.. again, and yet I continue to do so. Why do I do this? What is it achieving? What is that doing for me, or for you? It's any wonder I can't be happy, with all the negativity that is going on in my own mind.

If I'm being blatantly honest, the thought of our relationship in the future frightens me. If I can't be comfortable in my own skin at twenty-three, how is it going to be in another five, ten, twenty years? I should be spending my twenties enjoying myself, getting out and about without worrying about body image, but I'm not. I'm unhappy. I treat you badly, I know I treat you badly, and yet I continue in the path of self destruction.

So what is the next step? How do I get to the stage where I can wake up in the morning and be? How do I get to the stage where I am simply thankful that you are functioning and mostly healthy? How do I end this ridiculous cycle of events?

I guess it all comes down to looking after you better - because I'm not looking after you.

I can already hear my inner cynicist retaliating at that statement:

What? But what about all of those days I spent exercising? And eating well? And obsessing over calories? What about those thirteen kilograms I lost last year? What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm never going to be a thin person. Never!

Valid questions, sure. But the logical part of me has rebuttals ready to go:

And what happened after you hurt your leg? You went from exercising daily, to not exercising at all. You slacked off. You pretended you could get away with relaxing, that you were maintaining, that you were happy. You turned a blind eye when your jeans got tighter, when you realised you were gaining weight again. You tested the waters, you got comfortable. Denial - it's not only a river in Egypt, love.

Damned if my logical mind isn't correct. I've let myself go. That's not to say I'm stuffing my face with food or not moving from the couch - but I have let myself down. The good habits that took months to create and months to see results, have disappeared, replaced with laziness and complacency.

I used to be able to pick things about myself that I loved - my hair, my legs, my smile. These days though, I'm so caught up in the negatives that I feel as though I am quite literally falling to pieces. I don't know why my weight is always at the top of the list, but for the longest time I've believed that if I fix my weight? I'll have fixed the problem. If it was as easy as that, I would have fixed the problem years ago. I hate that it's a problem to begin with. I hate that it's my problem.

I've got to learn to love you, body. I'm learning. I'll always be learning. And to sum it all up? I'm dedicating a song to you, which is going to be my mantra from now on.

Climb up over the top, survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, take control. And inevitably wind up,
Find out for yourself all the strengths that you have inside of you.

- Jason Mraz: Song for a Friend -

I promise I'll be giving it a shot. And not just starting tomorrow, either. Starting now.

Always stuck with you,

Aly.

(This post was written as part of a BlogHer initiative.)