Everybody's Fool

I've been having quite a few introspective moments lately - I've been focusing so much on ME, ME, ME these days.

I think that I'm a nice person. Or at least, I'd like to think of myself as a nice person. I'm friendly, I'm polite and I have manners. I may be a little bit introverted and I used to be horrifically shy, but I'm a good person underneath all of that. If you fell over, I would help you up. If your leggings were tucked up in your skirt and you were flashing your knickers to the world, I would pull you aside and tell you, even if you were a strangers. When I read stories about people doing awful things, I can't even comprehend it. What can I say - I like being a nice person.

But am I? There are events that have happened in the past that have made me question this part of myself. One falling out with a friend comes to mind, one that happened a few years back while we were travelling together. I thought I was being a nice person and I thought I was being supportive, but in the end it wasn't enough and the relationship ended around the same time as the holiday did. Was that my fault? Was I to blame for the turn of events that changed that friendship? I can absolutely say yes - at least in part. But isn't admitting faults a good thing? And does that mean that I'm not a nice person? If you asked this friend, I'm sure she would agree with that statement. And who decides what nice is, anyway?

I think that I'm a good listener. I've always been a person that others turn to when they need to vent or need advice. I think my quieter nature helped me in this field and it's also why I chose to study first psychology and secondly teaching at university. I volunteered as an online counsellor for teens when I was fifteen, and I still wonder if it's something which I should pursue again when I grow up. I may not have all the answers, but I can certainly give you my attention, if you need it. I think that I'm pretty perceptive when it comes to knowing when someone needs a chance to talk. Or just sit and be silent. Or be distracted with randomness until the time is right. I take things to heart and I over-think events more than I should, but it's mainly because I care about what happens to that person, and I want to do the right thing by them.

But am I? I try hard to be there for people when they need me, but I'll admit that I can be selfish. Sometimes I want to be the one that others listen to. One of my pet hates is when people tune out to what you are saying midway through the conversation - and turn it about themselves. It's one of the reasons why I find it hard to open up to people straight away in person, though it's often easier to offload here. But haven't I been guilty of doing that in conversation? Being overseas and away from my family and friends is bittersweet, because as much as you try, there are things you can't pick up on from a thousand miles away. I feel like I've let people down and have missed out on important life events, simply by being away for so long.

I think that I'm a good companion. I don't have a giant circle of friends; in fact, I could probably list my real friends on one hand. I have my moments where I'm more than a little irritating or less-than-fun to be around, like we all do, but once you're a friend of mine? I'll support you for life. I think a good friend is worth fighting for. I'm the kind of person who would take one good friend over a roomful of faces - because I want people around me that will be in it for the long haul. And that's the kind of friend that I want to be. I want to be a friend who knows everything about you, someone who your other friends & family members like. I try so hard to remember things like birthdays and special occasions, and I like to spoil people with gifts or words or appropriate musical lyrics.

But am I? Is there a reason why I've never been a member of a crowd? All my life, even when I was in high school, this never happened with me - and while it could be looked at as a positive thing, it could also be the opposite. I even notice it here, in the blog world. Over the past few years, my blog has gifted me with several strong online friendships that I treasure, but blogging now? It's different. There are new cliques forming everywhere I look, and it's difficult to break into them, as hard as you try. I tend to put my all into relationships, and because of this, I tend to be the one who becomes more attached. As such, I can sometimes be walked over by others - whether on purpose, or through unintentional means. I have tried so hard not to let others disappoint me, but it happens more than I'd like to admit. I wonder if this is because subconsciously I'm trying to make more friends, but it's just not working for me? Luckily, the boy is the same - he's always been a bit of an individual when it comes to friends, just like me. For the most part, it's a good thing. But sometimes, like when you're putting together a mock wedding guest list, it can be really upsetting to see just how few people have put in the time with YOU, even enough to warrant them an invitation to the most important day of your life. Maybe I'm not as good a companion as I think I am.

If you've made it down here, I salute you - this post rambled on for longer than I expected it to. Sometimes the whole soul searching thing can bring about more questions than it does answers.