Grieving & Hoping

I've spent the last few days in a bit of a blur, thinking and over-thinking what's to come in the next few months. It's all baby-centred, of course - but that's to be expected, since we've started our first ever IVF cycle. Let me back track a little and explain how that meeting went down.

On Thursday, we took the day off work to attend our nursing interview and program orientation at the fertility centre. It's located in a public hospital {with notoriously bad parking!} so we went a little early to suss the place out and find a good spot to park. Thankfully we found a paid parking area that wasn't completely full, so off we wandered to try and find the clinic. That's when we proceeded to get completely lost, end up walking through staff offices, and see me end up <-----> this close from having a meltdown on the spot. We eventually found it, but not before walking through the Women's Health Clinic, aka preggo city, and ending up drenched in sweat.

Our nurse was lovely. She took my height and weight measurements, gave me a swipecard for identification in the future, and sat down with us for a good hour, going over our long cycle. Looking at our history, she said she felt confident that IVF without ICSI would do the trick, though that could be revisited in the future if we don't achieve any successful pregnancies. The clinic we're using is public & not-for-profit, so they can only place so many couples on the program at each time, and we were SO lucky to get on immediately. I suppose the fluke of being CD1 at our appointment paid off!

The protocol for us is in the mail, so we should know more about the specifics in the coming weeks. I'll be sure to share that with you, later.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive about this whole experience, I am. At the same time, I'm trying to protect my heart and my confidence, and be realistic in the fact that it might not work for us. We might need to revisit this process several times, and it's going to take time. Everyone seems to have a story about IVF, about friends falling pregnant on the first time, about the likelihood of carrying twins, about this, about that. That's all well and good {and is mostly well meaning} but I need to focus on me and J. Our journey might go smoothly, or it might not.

So while things are exciting and new, and will hopefully bring about good things in the future.. I'm still grieving. I'm grieving the loss of the baby that we might have conceived the natural way. I'm grieving the loss of a surprising, unexpected positive result on a pregnancy test. I'm grieving each time I hear an announcement of a pregnancy, or a baby arriving, from friends, family members, internet strangers.

But this is not meant to be a post all about sadness and loss. It's a hopeful one. It's knowing that we are on the path that we're meant to be on. As much as I complain about waiting, about having nothing to update, and about this whole process, just know this: I feel so grateful, too. I'm grateful that we can afford to make sacrifices financially, to make this happen. I'm grateful that our families support us, no matter what happens. And I'm grateful to have my husband, who truly is my other half.

Our chance to become parents in 2012 is over. But maybe, just maybe, 2013 will be our year.