Hi there,

Well embryo, you're officially in my uterus. 'Sup? People might think I'm strange to be talking to you as if you're real, but you're real.. to us. Today was the transfer, which wasn't particularly pleasant, I'll be honest. (Is there ever a pleasant time to be had when a speculum is inserted up your lady parts?)

Seeing my super awesome husband tottering around in a surgical cap and gown was the highlight of my day - but he got his own back by snapping a horrendous photograph of me, which I'll share with you because I'm cool like that.

We gowned up and were ushered straight in the room, and guess who was waiting for us up on the monitor? IT'S YOU. The doctor said you were a perfectly formed 8-cell embryo, right on par for Day 3. Well done, you!


Unfortunately, your fellow embryo friend stopped developing yesterday, so this is it: you're our one and only. I think I'm going to call you our little miracle. Maybe we were only meant to get this far with you. No pressure or anything.

I'll spare you the gory (& slightly uncomfortable) details, but before we knew it, you were zooming up the catheter and that was that. They checked the tube to make sure you weren't being sneaky and hanging out there, but nope... you're with me. We ungowned, laughed giddily, and we were done. Easy as pie.

I have to admit, wee embryo, that I waddled my way back to the car with my knees touching. Yes, I had that irrational fear that gravity would have you fall straight out of me and end up on the sidewalk somewhere. We had a nice chat, you and I, on the drive home - though I should apologise for the foul language. Idiot drivers, you know.

Anyway, that's about it from me. I'm going to be busy resting up and making my womb as comfy and enticing for you as possible. I may even bribe you.. can I get you something? Water? Cookies? A car? You name it, I'll do it. Have fun in there, miracle embryo. I'll be here, googling every symptom and praying you'll stick around.

Signing off,
Aly

I've been in this funk, really, seriously quite depressed since the egg collection and fertilisation report. This weekend has been awful. I was so disappointed in myself, in the fertility team, in everything that didn't go as I had prayed that it would. I was comparing myself to others at the same part of this journey, wondering why I was chosen to have such a poor go at it, and why they seemed to have it all turn out perfectly.

I was getting sad, then angry, then sad again, at comments that I'm sure were meant to make me feel better, but just rubbed me the wrong way. I was scared too; scared of having to mentally prepare myself for a new cycle, scared of the wait that would come during that mandatory time off to recover, physically and emotionally. I was worried that financially, we wouldn't be able to have another go - something which everyone just assumes you'll do.

I felt love, so much love towards my husband. He has been so wonderful; even though I can tell that he doesn't understand that I've been hit by a massive blow. He has stayed positive, he has looked after me, he's done everything he possibly could have to help me heal.

So, yes. If you throw an emotion at me, I probably felt it over the past few days.

I woke up this morning feeling (dare I say it?) excited for the days ahead. My pain is a little better, although it still flares up if I move too fast or if I'm using the bathroom. Gravity=ouch. A good friend from online gave me some beautiful advice: just do things one step at a time. And so, I am. My focus is Monday. Tomorrow. Tomorrow we're going to transfer an embryo, something that we created. It may stick, it may not, but we're having a go. And isn't this what the goal has been all along? To give ourselves, and our potential baby, a chance? So, I am excited.

Excited, but also still a little scared. But I think that's okay.

I'm completely gutted.

We've gone from a possible 10 mature follicles.. to 5 eggs collected.. to 2 embryos.

Could this cycle have gone any worse?

I can't even talk right now, I am just so disappointed.

I wish I was writing this post with more enthusiasm, but it's hard to be positive while feeling sad & disappointed.

Let me preface this picture by saying the following: Yes, that's a pee stick. No, I'm not pregnant.

I do find it a little sad that the first time I get two pink lines on a pregnancy test is thanks to synthetic hormones. I decided to 'test' out the trigger injection that I took last night, and even on an el cheapo stick, it worked. Apparently this hormone tends to stay in your system for a while after it's injected. I think after we get to transfer stage, I'll check it every other day until I know for sure that it's gone.

Anyway... we're good to go for tomorrow morning. I'm nervous as all heck, scared of it hurting, terrified of not having any eggs - terrified of it not working, or something going wrong. But at the same time, I'm ready. I'm done with this part of our first IVF - I want to do something. I want to be in a TWW, even if the chances of it resulting in a BFP the first time are slim to none. (I don't tend to do those kinds of odds very well.)

And what perfect timing to receive a parcel from the lovely Sarah (aka Mrs Green Grass) in the mail. My very own pair of IVF socks, all the way from America. I'm taking these with me, as well as a fertility crystal a colleague gave me a few days ago, and a gorgeous turtle necklace {to symbolise family} from my BFF.

Surely with all of those good omens, we're in good hands?

See you on the flip side, hopefully with some positive news. And make sure you send load of love and eggy vibes to Mrs GG & Hapa Hopes who are having their retrievals soon, too.

Thank the heavens, my E2 levels decided to play nice - we're up over 2500 now and the nurses are really happy with it. Combined with my ultrasound and follicle sizes, we're back on schedule - just a day behind schedule.

I trigger at midnight tonight - and then all set for egg retrieval on Friday morning.

I literally just bawled my eyes out and jumped up & down at the same time. Poor Jase didn't quite know what to do.

So ready to get this show on the road, you have no idea.

I am a nervous wreck right now.

Today's ultrasound went well, I suppose. I had the same nurse as Monday - she was surprised to see me back there, since I was meant to be triggering last night and having the egg collection tomorrow. I still have around the same amount of follicles, but one monster one on the left (over 30mm!) that she's worried has been sucking up all of the FSH that I've been injecting. Greedy little bugger.

I was hoping that they'd pre-book me right in for a Friday transfer, but she said she was going to wait until the bloodwork came back before they decided. If we're lucky and E2 doubles, we might be able to trigger tonight and go for retrieval on Friday. If the E2 stays the same, or falls, they'll make the decision to either stim for longer, or to cancel the cycle. (That's about the point where I started to cry.)

Seriously, now we wait. I am sitting here with my phone, praying for a phone call - but also praying that it's for good news, not for bad. And to top it all off, this morning's shot of Puregon (150) was a right bitch, too. As if I didn't have enough to stress about, I bled after I withdrew the needle and my stomach is so tender right now. I have a feeling I'm going to get a whopper of a bruise from this one.

I feel like the people around me right now are so sick of me worrying out loud all of the time, but I feel like I've invested so much time, sanity, heartache into this process, and if it's cancelled? I honestly don't know what I'll do. I'm just praying that things will turn out okay, that we'll get the news we're hoping for this afternoon.

To be continued...

I've been so preoccupied with this IVF cycle that I've found it hard to tune out and keep my brain occupied. What better way to try and pass the time than by getting back into reading mode? A few weeks ago, I was sent an advance copy of the book 'Putting Alice Back Together' by Carol Marinelli from the folks at Morey Media.

If you're interested in finding out more, and even potentially winning some goodies for yourself, I've got some hints and tips for you. If you visit the Harlequin Australia website, you can read the first chapter for yourself & enter to win a $500 preloaded debit card. And it gets better! You can hit up the competition page here at Yahoo to win a copy for yourself & an iPod - I know I'll be entering!

I've gone from happiness to worry in the last half an hour, which is not how I expected to start today's blog post. In fact, I was originally going to gush all over the lab technician who took my blood this morning in about thirty seconds flat, proving that a) my veins aren't dead and b) those other two suckers who were stabbing me like a pin cushion SUCK. Seriously, I was in love with the guy. He was awesome.

Then, I was going to tell you how I had my ultrasound & that they found 13 follicles, around 9-10 of a decent size, and how they booked in my egg collection for Thursday morning. Squee!

The nurse this morning was great, going through the procedure, giving me all of the juicy details on how to use Crinone and giving me details on how the egg collection was going to go down. I felt really happy, organised the time off work today and got mentally prepared to trigger tomorrow evening.

(Looks like we know which ovary is doing all the work, eh?)

That was what I was going to tell you.

I got a phone call at about 5pm from a different nurse. She said that the blood test results from this morning showed that my E2 levels had plateaued. For reference, this is how they've looked so far this cycle:

Stims Day 7: 929
Stims Day 9: 1898
Stims Day 11 (today): 1872

So instead of rising, they've come to a standstill. The nurse on the phone explained that if this happens, the follicles can sometimes stop increasing in size. She told me to ignore the trigger/egg pickup advice. I'm to increase my Puregon slightly for two more days (from 125 to 150) and come in on Wednesday morning for another ultrasound and blood test to see how things have improved. If all goes well, she thinks they'll schedule me in for a Friday egg collection instead. She didn't seem particularly worried, but now I am.

What happens if this cycle stalls, after all this time and effort and money? What happens if my follies shrivel up or don't contain mature eggs, and we get nothing? If this cycle gets cancelled, I will be literally crushed. I know I asked for good thoughts today for the ultrasound, but oy, if you can spare a few more for me over the next few days, I'd really appreciate it. I'm off to google & hopefully make myself feel better.

I was reading on a few forums recently how the stimming portion of IVF is different for every woman. I was always told it would be 12 days, which could either be adjusted higher or lower depending on my response to the medication. As of Friday's blood draw, I heard nothing - so we're full steam ahead. Tomorrow is day 12, the day of the final scan/big ultrasound, and I am wondering if it might well be the very last day of Puregon?

Starting Friday night, I began feeling pretty awful. Same thing happened last night. My stomach gets swollen, my arm was throbbing from the crazy blood draws, I felt so much pressure and.. just off. I notice my ovaries a lot, which is something I'm not used to - they're usually pretty useless during my cycles, let's face it. The time when I really notice that I'm 'full' is when I sit down to pee. It's like gravity pushes everything down and I can almost feel them just hanging out in all their glory. It's not pain, so much as it's discomfort.

I take my Puregon shots in the morning, so I've decided that's why I feel so rubbish by late afternoon/evening - the shot has been doing its stuff all day, and I really feel the effects a good few hours later. I'm so lucky we've been in school holidays for the majority of these injections. I really hope I can get through the first few weeks of school going back, starting tomorrow.

I'm still completely in the dark about how many follicles I've managed to grow for this IVF cycle. The only information I've managed to get were those initial E2 and progesterone levels, and I don't even have Friday's results to compare them too and see a difference. I'm so scared that I'll have a really low number of follicles/eggs - I just really, really want to get 10+. If I can hit that magic number, I think I'll be okay. Less than that and I can guarantee you there'll be tears.

Anyone want to place bets on how many follies they'll see at tomorrow's scan? Leave them in the comments!

Bruises and pin-pricks - that's my body right now.

I hardly even blink at the injections anymore. We're sort of at the tail end of it now, so I'm just going through the motions. Today saw me head back to the clinic in the wee hours of the morning for another blood draw. It was packed! Friday must be a busy day in fertility world.

It was a different lab technician today, but she struggled too. I had drank a whole stack of water to help with the process, but she still found no available veins in my left arm, left hand, or right hand. She had a go around in my right vein a few times, but no luck. She tried a little lower down - nada. Finally, she went in on the side of my arm (apologising all the while, since it was a tiny vein and it hurt) and got enough for the one vial.

Lucky for me, that was all they needed.

I wish I knew why I had such difficult veins. It's awful.

Anyway... if all stays the same, we've got the big reveal-all ultrasound (& more bloods - joy!) on Monday morning. I'm praying they see 10 follicles. If I can get 10 follicles (& eggs, if we're lucky) I will be a happy lady.

So a different nurse rang to speak with me - ended up getting me completely mixed up with someone else, and completely confused me. She was asking whether my husband would still be coming in early to freeze his semen sample before the egg collection; I was like, what? He's definitely coming with me on the day!

Anyway, while I had her on the phone, I asked if she'd mind getting my levels for me.

She said that my Estradiol was 929 and Progesterone staying steady at 2.2

The nurse said those levels are quite good, considering they've put me on such a low dose of Puregon because of my PCOS. They'll do the test again tomorrow, and if my e2 levels rise by a ridiculous amount, I may need to have my monitoring ultrasound Saturday instead of Monday. We'll see how tomorrow goes, I suppose.

Chug, chug, chug.. just going through the motions and hoping things are going as they should be.

I had my first blood test done yesterday. The guy was hopeless & didn't take blood from the easiest spot {the crook of my elbow} and ouch, am I bruised. I'm tempted to make them try the other arm tomorrow, because it's so sore right now. My clinic has a policy where they don't check follicle size until after several blood tests when estrogen levels rise enough to predict growth, so all it's blood tests for now. I asked the nurse yesterday whether he could put a request in that I find out the results, just because I'm curious for my first go around, and he said okay.

Well, the phone didn't ring.

I've just left a message this morning though, and a nurse is going to ring me back so that I can ask her about the blood test results and see how things are looking. I'm assuming that no news is good news, as I don't need to adjust my dose of Puregon, but still... I want to KNOW. I won't have any idea about how many follies I have {or their size} until Monday's ultrasound & bloods. So frustrating. I almost WISH they did more ultrasounds, just so I had a vague idea of whether this cycle was working for me. I'll be crushed if there's a really poor reaction to the stimming drugs.

It's strange, but I actually don't mind the injections. Dare I say, giving them to myself makes me feel like I'm doing something, something that's useful, that's hopefully getting me somewhere. The nasal spray, as evil as it is, can jump off a bridge for all I care. I get that it's important, that it keeps me from ovulating, but omg, I really wish they could've flavoured it or something. Bubblegum, or cherry, anything. Synarel tastes like liquid crap.

As far as symptoms go, I'm so freaking bloated. I couldn't zip jeans up yesterday, and even squeezing into a regular old zip skirt felt uncomfortable. I ended up buying some leggings and an elastic waist skirt yesterday, because it is so uncomfortable to squeeze into my regular clothes. Not only that, my belly is quite tender at the injection sites, so any kind of pressure on it feels terrible.

Honestly, the bloat I was sporting yesterday {even with loads of water and liquids} looked like a preggo belly. How embarrassing to be an infertile who LOOKS like she's with child. Bah humbug.

Update: The nurse just rang me - didn't give me levels, but told me that my hormones were where they should be, that everything is looking good & that there's no change to my dosage. That's a good sign, I guess?

Sometimes I feel like this whole IVF cycle is all trial and error. I'm like a guinea pig; we don't know how I'll respond to the FSH shots, we don't know if I'll hyper-stimulate, we don't know anything really. That's why I'm trying not to get my hopes up for a BFP this cycle.

Day 5 of shots, and everything is going okay. I haven't bruised on my stomach since the first day, but today's was another stinger. I started getting a few twinges in my left hand side today, which I'm imagining is an ovary. Seeing as I've never had any ovarian pains or signs in those areas before {thanks, dodgy O's!} I'm just guessing that's what it is. The twinges are gone now, but I feel positive that it might be that the stimming is doing its job?

My first blood draw is the day after tomorrow. The nurse warned me that it's just a monitoring one, and that I likely wouldn't get a call about levels or readings unless things needed adjusting. But I really want to know, for curiosity's sake, what my levels are.. especially after seven days of injections. I'm going to ask and see what they say.

And, because everyone loves a puppy picture, check out the little guys at 12 days old! I'm loving the little guy on the left hand side. In every picture, he's passed out and piled on top of his brothers. Totally adorable. Six weeks to go!

This morning's jab really hurt. I did everything the normal way, prepared the pen, made sure I saw a liquid bubble to imply it was charged correctly... but man, it stung. Maybe because it was the centre of my tummy? The last two days have been off to either side of my belly button. This one was directly below it.

My stomach has been really sensitive the last few days - not because of the Puregon or because my ovaries are working yet, but just at the actual injection sites. It's the first time I've ever done anything like this, so it's highly likely I'm just being a wimp... or just not used to it. I prefer the quick and easy needle injection than the twice daily Synarel spray, though. That stuff is foul. Totally, utterly foul.

Today we've got a wedding to go to; well, a church blessing and family reception. It's for J's brother, the one we just visited Thailand for. We'll be seeing about half of his family, so half of those people who attended our wedding nearly a year ago. I'm dreading it - not because I don't like his family, but because I guarantee I'll have people staring at my {albeit bloated} stomach, wondering if I'm knocked up.. or worse, outright asking us when we're having kids, or why we haven't had them yet.

In the past, I've laughed it off and changed the subject - or made a joke, saying I'm busy enough teaching 25 of my own kids, and looking after the two cats. But in the middle of this cycle, it just makes me angry. Perhaps I should just come right out & tell them that I'm currently in the middle of an IVF protocol.. but then, why should I have to do that? Our direct families know, but I don't feel the need to announce it to the whole world.

What would you do?

I feel like I've been waiting for this IVF cycle for a lifetime. We made the decision to get a second opinion way back before Christmas, but weren't able to get in and see a new specialist until the beginning of February. Then there were more tests for us both, before we got the go ahead to start in March.

After that, I met with my nurse - she was such a sweetie. As she was preparing everything for me, we talked house stuff and baby stuff, and then she showed me how to put all of the injectible stuff together. I was feeling fine until it came to the actual injection part. She showed me how to put the pen together, how to put the needle points on. Then, I sat there, gripping my belly roll in one hand & the needle pen in the other - and I froze.

The nurse was lovely. She walked me through it. She saw that I was struggling, and she was so patient with me. I asked her if I could just literally JAB it in and be done with it - she told me to relax, I'm not a pincushion! ;) After a few minutes, I finally got the courage to do it - and it was fine. Not bad at all, actually. I self injected this morning at home, and it was nowhere near as scary. I think I'm going to be just fine.

I'm currently still taking Synarel twice a day - this will continue until the egg retrieval in a few weeks, all going well. So, every 7am and 7pm, I snort the nasty spray & try not to gag. I could choose when I wanted to take my injections, but since they must stay in the fridge, I decided to continue doing those at 7am as well, since I'm always home at that time in the morning. In the meantime, here's my wee drug stash for the next few weeks.

After some help & guidance from a few of you, I've decided to start writing here about our struggles with trying to conceive. If you've followed me over from the old blog, welcome! I hope you'll stick around. And if you're one of the few people who still follows this blog {I've been so slack lately} I hope that you won't find all the IVF stuff too much.

To summarise... here's where we've been for the last 17 months:

April 2010: Diagnosed with PCOS after years of dodgy cycles. Started Metformin at 1000mg.
Dec 2010: Began NTNT - cycles continued to be irregular.
Apr 2011: Metformin increased to 1500mg. Began taking prenatal vitamins & Vitex.
Jun 2011: Our wedding day! :)
Sep 2011: Referred to first RE. Metformin increased to 2000mg. Diagnosed with annovulation.
Oct 2011: Clomid 25mg. No O. Progesterone required to induce AF.
Dec 2011: Clomid 50mg. No O. Progesterone required to induce AF.
Jan 2012: Clomid 100mg. O! BFN.
Feb 2012: Met with new RE. Male issues as well as resistance to Clomid - referral to IVF clinic.
Feb 2012: HyCoSy/HSG - tubes clear.
Feb 2012: Clomid 100mg. O! BFN.
Mar 2012: Began IVF #1 down regulation. On BC pill.
Apr 4, 2012: AF arrives - begin sniffing Synarel twice daily
Apr 12, 2012: Begin daily Puregon injections.

And here we are.... right now. Trying to stay optimistic but also trying not to get my hopes up.

So, here goes...

Would you be interested in reading about our IVF adventures here?

For the most part, I've put all of the details on paper over at my TTC blog - but if people are interested, I'm wondering if I should just drag everything over here. It's exhausting writing in two places, and to be perfectly honest? That's pretty much all I'm thinking about right now.

Let me know what you think!

Anyone who knows me at all, will know how long I've wanted a dog. I grew up with dogs, and have always wanted one of my own.The puppy plan went out the window when we moved to the UK. In the meantime, we adopted our two sweet kitties. I adore them and wouldn't change our decision to be a kitty mama for anything.

I'm so sorry I've slacked off lately - bogged down with loads of stuff happening. Things are INSANE right now. But I promise I'll be good and update soon.... after we're back from here:

It's time for our Phuket trip. These pictures are supposedly taken from the room we're staying in. I better get that view... and that swim up pool!

See you in a few days!