If you ask anyone who's infertile, I'm sure they'll tell you that their emotions go up and down in waves.
You can be high; full of hope. You start to believe that this time around will work - that you've waited long enough, it's got to be your time. You look for signs, for significant dates, for something, anything that will make the next cycle.. the one.
But then, all so suddenly, you can be down; full of sadness, envy, bitterness. You watch as everyone around you gets pregnant with no trouble, you feel so so sad about their happiness, when all you want to do is be unconditionally happy for them. You feel like this whole damn process is never-ending. You're cynical. You find reasons why you're infertile - you're too fat, too ugly, too selfish.
I need to get back in a positive mindset before we start IVF #2 in a few weeks time. I don't want to be doubting whether it will work, I want to believe that it might. Surely our luck can only get better after the last dismal result, right? Anyway.. that is my goal. Get my faith back.
I absolutely love this post and can relate so closely to what you are feeling. Since March after our failed ivf, I have had such anger, negative feelings and haven't allowed myself to get excited about this next ivf. I know its us trying to protect ourselves from more disappointment. I remind myself that our doctors learn things about us after a failed cycle that can help us in the next one.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you and hoping nothing but the best for your next cycle!
Know exactly what you mean... faith and hope is so easily lost on this rollercoaster of IF :( Thinking of you and sending you love and hugs for yours to return soon xoxo
ReplyDeleteYep. Hearing you loud & clear. It's such a fine line between hope and bitter despair... and unless you've experienced it, no one seriously understands.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes. I was in the same place after our first IVF failed. But, you can do this. You really can. (I wrote out some goals for myself, and it ended up being really helpful. I've heard others use the Circle+Bloom meditation CDs with a lot of success.) Take care!
ReplyDeleteI so hear you girl, I just wrote yesterday about how I've been struggling to find the positivity lately. I didn't have it, then I found it, then I lost it. Now I need to find it again! If you find any secrets, let me know. :) But this is just a roller coaster any way you look at it. The most we can do is strap ourselves in tight and try to enjoy the ride.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry this is happening and my heart goes out to you. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs <3
ReplyDeleteMake the most of these two weeks of holidays to look after your mental health. Enjoy the sunny days, get out and go for a walk, soak up some Vitamin D (i know today is a bit overcast but it isnt raining) You are just fertility challenged, you are the child that needs that extra bit of help to blossom.
ReplyDeleteI know these feelings exactly. It is the reason I had to take a break from treatments because the roller coaster ride of emotions was too hard for me to handle.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can find your faith and refocus! Thinking of you!!
always keeping you in my thoughts lady. and it's okay to feel a little down but like you said, it's nice to have a little faith too. you can do it!
ReplyDeleteI'm so scared that we're going to have trouble getting pregnant, even though I realize rationally I have no reason to be. I think because I've never had a scare, I'm sure that means we can't get pregnant. But it just seems so silly to worry about this now before we're even ready to try.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm sure eventually you'll be a mother, even though the road to get there is long, someday you'll be on the other side.