6 weeks + 5 days

These past few days have been a complete and utter clusterf*ck of emotions.

On the bright side, I'm close to 7 weeks now, and just days away from our first ultrasound. I'm swinging rapidly from emotion to emotion - complete joy and excitement at seeing our baby, but then overwhelming terror that something will be wrong and this journey might be over for us.

And then, on top of that, some things went down at work that left me reeling. If you're relatively new here, you might not know the details of my employment: I'm a primary school teacher, on a Year 1 class this year. I'm not a permanent member of staff, I'm a long-term temporary teacher, and I teach from year to year - Jan to Dec.

On Wednesday, our principal called me in to a meeting. She informed me that my class was to be getting a new student, and proceeded to inform me that he was coming from a special school with diagnosed emotional & behavioural disorder. I had one of these children last year, who was violent, left school grounds on multiple occasions, and caused me to have the most difficult term in my teaching career so far. Needless to say, the second she started talking, I had warning bells going off in my head, and in my tummy.

Immediately, I told her I wasn't comfortable with the idea. She knows about the pregnancy, I told her several weeks ago. She asked if I would go to a meeting to learn more information about him, and I agreed - asking her keep my reservations in mind. I won't make this a long and boring blog entry, but let me summarise: I was railroaded into going to observe this child at his behaviour school, and told I was the first option for his care. I was in shock, and sat down in my room after school, looking around and trying to visualise all the work that would have to go in to this behavioural child - and I lost it. I cried, I sobbed, I hyperventilated, I had an epic meltdown.

With the help of a friend, I stood my ground to the principal the next day, and explained that I just couldn't teach this child right now. I was anxious, too anxious about the what-if's, I had my own safety (& the wee embyro) to think about, and that it wasn't the right time to be able to give 100% to this high needs student. I may not be the most liked teacher at the school right now {although I'm told everyone supports my decision} but I know that I made the right decision. Everything in me, every nerve in my body, tells me I did the right thing this time around.

So, it's over. I did it. It's a new month, a new week - and I think I just had my first protective momma moment.