While we were having difficulties falling pregnant with Georgia, I was pretty open about how I was coping. I blogged, I posted on a variety of forums, and I found a bunch of like-minded women who I could open up to, and share my thoughts/advice with. I honestly don't know that I could have gotten through the whole process without them.
Then I got pregnant. And once again, I had a lot of support from strong, strong women - some who had also received good news, some who were still waiting for their own moment. They celebrated my positive pee sticks, they followed along with my pregnancy, they cheered me on during Georgia's surprisingly early entrance to the world & gave both her and I oodles of love while she was a newborn.
Fast forward to now, and where we are today. Infertility, round #2.
It's nothing new for us, and yet my emotions are crazier than ever. I alluded in previous posts that I was hopeful that Georgia would have a sibling, and one close to her age - but I left a lot of information out. In truth, we've been 'naturally' trying since last year. I've been working my arse off, quite literally, with food and exercise, to get my weight down in the hopes of controlling my PCOS to get my system into gear. Nothing has worked. No miracles here.
And so, I'm angry. And bitter. And devastated. And this time around, instead of just being sad about it & moving on, I'm really, really struggling. Instead of celebrating other people's pregnancy joy, the early pee sticks, the excitement of a baby on the way, I'm gutted every time. It doesn't help that so many people I know are falling pregnant - even naturally! - the pee sticks have been quite literally assaulting me at every turn. In the past week, I have seen no less than seven internet pregnancies from friends, plus one in person for good measure. That's a lot at the best of times, but more-so when you're hormonal and you're frustrated.
I'm furious that I've worked so hard, and that my body has failed me.. again. I'm upset that I nagged and nagged to see a specialist early, knowing that it'd take a while to get things moving, and now we're waiting.. again. I'm pissed off that other people can blink & get knocked up, can have their babies close in age while time moves our age gap further and further apart. I'm irritated that while other people are anticipating a baby, I'm hoping just to get a freakin' period before we can do anything else. I'm empathising with other friends who haven't yet got their miracle, and who are handling themselves with more grace & dignity than I am, which makes me so ashamed.
I feel like an arsehole.
So I say this to any of my friends, on and offline who have noticed a change in me - I'm sorry. I hate that I'm feeling this way, hate that I'm so jaded by this whole journey. Please know that I'm not usually like this, and forgive me for taking space & dealing with your happy news in a guarded way. I am happy for you, and I will celebrate with you. But for now, I'll be hugging my baby girl tight, being thankful for what I have, and hoping I can claw my way back from the space that I am in.
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24 comments:
Beautiful lady you are not an arsehole, just someone going through infertility. Infertility brings the worse out in us and makes us into people we despise, but it's all the emotions that roller coaster of hormones, hopes and dreams bring up that cause us to be not ourselves. It takes a lot to admit to yourself and to others how your feeling and I think that is very brave and definitely shows your nothing but human.
Many women are with you on this roller coaster and understand completely. Hugs and strength being sent xx
Katy
I agree with anonymous - feeling this way doesn't make you an arsehole. I will be totally honest - there were times I couldn't follow your blog because I was in a crappy place as I tried to cope with my infertility. Wishing you all the best!
I'm so sorry you're struggling, Aly. Everything you said…you're correct. It is not fair. AT. ALL. We should be able to grow our families easily and without waiting or ridiculous medical bills. And it sucks. BAD. The only way I've been able to find happiness after almost 6 years of this and now knowing that I'll never have my own biological child is to focus on what I do have. Easier said than done. But you have so much to be grateful for in your life, I hope all the good things creep to the surface in your mind and overshadow the holes. Hugs, my friend!
You're not alone. I'm getting pregnancy announcements left right and center and I'm pissed, having A LOT of trouble being happy for them. Hoping your period shows up for you sooner rather than later!
I'm sending you big hugs as you weather such a difficult time. Thinking of you! xoxoxox
You know what? It's ok to be an asshole when going through infertility. It's ok to me mad and frustrated and sad and pissed off. Just don't let it consume you. Don't give it that much power! Hug your sweet girl, draw strength from her and kick infertility's ass. You are so strong. You got this lady!!!!
You are not an arsehole... You are a lovely, sweet lady who has been dealt a tough hand. You deserve to be an arsehole if you want to be. You are amazing and your determination and love is something to be proud of. Xxoo
It's not you who's the arsehole, it's infertility that is. While I can't fully understand what you must be going through, as you may know, I have PCOS as well and while we are not yet at the point in our lives where we want children, we will in the next 2-3 years and I do worry about the struggles I might have with it (especially given that I will be 32-33 by then). I am keeping my fingers crossed for you everything goes well, and Georgia will get a sibling soon.
I think you're completely normal on this front. I think infertility is one of the hardest things to go through, especially when other people just don't understand everything that goes with it. We go through things that the normal person couldn't even fathom, like giving shots every. single. day. All this just to try to get pregnant, and then even more to work on keeping that pregnancy. I'm in the same boat right now, I've been secretly hoping that maybe after having had my son a few months ago that my body will realize, Oh hey, that's what I'm supposed to do! But on the other hand, I honestly laughed at the doctor when they asked me what type of BC I was going to use after he was born (look at my history, I don't think not getting pregnant is going to be a problem, k, thanks).
Sending good thoughts your way, and hopefully you'll have a good appt with the specialist. I've heard positive things about FETs. :-)
We all get that way :) Some of us (me) more than others. I am new to your blog, but can already tell you are nothing like us jerks! We all take IF differently and handle it differently. If you're only a slight arse every once in a while, you're ahead of the game!
So sorry this is so hard. I think some of the pain of infertility the second time around it not just the loss you are feeling, but the loss you feel you child may have if you don't succeed. And that just sucks. And it's okay to feel crappy about it all!
Sending you (hugs). I also have to do the TTC #2 rollercoaster at some point, but for me it is so complicated because I am 40 now. I have carried on breastfeeding, its like I need to do one thing right even if it puts #2 on the backburner... I am also angry that I am so old now, but what can I do.. Recently a friend of mine shared her pregnancy news and though I said congrats my eyes held the disappointment...
Oh honey, I wish there was something good or helpful to say. In lieu of knowing what that is, you can vent to me any old time about frustrations and hurts and whatever. There are no pee sticks in my future and I am a good listener.
xox
And, you are NOT an asshole. Not even close. You're just in the worst possible situation and have no real solution. That's not being an ass, that is being cornered.
Hugs.
xox
Stopping by from ICLW... Infertility, even if it's the second time around, is hard. I think you're brave for acknowledging that you're struggling!
Popping in from ICLW, I can definitely sympathise with you I noticed my self becoming a real jerk as well, I think it comes with the territory. Sending you some support from Perth, Aus.
IF can bring out the worst in a person. Have you seen the doc regarding this, btw?
Take care and good luck.
IF can bring out the worst in a person. Have you seen the doc regarding this, btw?
Take care and good luck.
I began reading your blog just before you became pregnant. I've never commented, but I'm so thankful that you are open with your pregnancy troubles. Although it's unfortunate for both of us, it's nice to know that people can get pregnant after struggling with infertility.
I've struggled with all stages of grief a hundred times over, and completely understand the anger and frustration. Sometimes you just can't fake being happy for someone, and that's okay. I find it's better to not say anything than to pretend like I'm happy to hear about a pregnancy or see a newborn baby. I feel awful admitting that...
I hope you don't have to struggle for much longer, and get baby 2 without anymore pain or frustration.
Oh friend, all too often I feel like an ass because I can't celebrate for someone. It's been a true test these past few months as I've had numerous pregnancies announced both online and in person (even in my family). We are totally allowed to feel like assholes sometimes and the people that love us, they'll get it and they'll understand. xoxo
Here from ICLW. Oh boy have I felt these emotions so many times. It's not fair. Infertility sucks the first time, and when we want to add to our families again, it's a massive punch in the face a second time. Get mad, eat chocolate, break down, take care of yourself. The best advice I've gotten is to do what feels good to get through it.
i hate being a part of this secondary infertile group. it is hard. and maybe even harder. i know what i am missing perhaps? sigh.
i hope we both fall pregnant soon.
big hugs my love.
Oh dear you're not horrible at all. I get it, infertility is hard and it makes you feel things you never imagined possible.
I'm glad to find your blog. It's hard to find other infertility blogs in Australia. So nice to meet you and best of luck xxx
That last photo in this post is SO TRUE. It's horrible to hear when you're in the midst of a struggle but I've found that every situation I've been through happens for a reason, and the hard stuff just makes us stronger. You are amazing, Aly. I wish I could make this easier on you. I have a couple family members who have struggled with infertility and one comment I've heard repeatedly that I find SO RUDE is when people say to them that they should be happy with the one baby they have. REALLY? Ugh I just hate hearing that. It's not fair that you have to take so many steps to add to your family and I wish it were easier for you and J. Much love to you both xx
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