When Infertility Turns You Into An Arsehole

While we were having difficulties falling pregnant with Georgia, I was pretty open about how I was coping. I blogged, I posted on a variety of forums, and I found a bunch of like-minded women who I could open up to, and share my thoughts/advice with. I honestly don't know that I could have gotten through the whole process without them.

Then I got pregnant. And once again, I had a lot of support from strong, strong women - some who had also received good news, some who were still waiting for their own moment. They celebrated my positive pee sticks, they followed along with my pregnancy, they cheered me on during Georgia's surprisingly early entrance to the world & gave both her and I oodles of love while she was a newborn. 

Fast forward to now, and where we are today. Infertility, round #2. 

It's nothing new for us, and yet my emotions are crazier than ever. I alluded in previous posts that I was hopeful that Georgia would have a sibling, and one close to her age - but I left a lot of information out. In truth, we've been 'naturally' trying since last year. I've been working my arse off, quite literally, with food and exercise, to get my weight down in the hopes of controlling my PCOS to get my system into gear. Nothing has worked. No miracles here.

And so, I'm angry. And bitter. And devastated. And this time around, instead of just being sad about it & moving on, I'm really, really struggling. Instead of celebrating other people's pregnancy joy, the early pee sticks, the excitement of a baby on the way, I'm gutted every time. It doesn't help that so many people I know are falling pregnant - even naturally! - the pee sticks have been quite literally assaulting me at every turn. In the past week, I have seen no less than seven internet pregnancies from friends, plus one in person for good measure. That's a lot at the best of times, but more-so when you're hormonal and you're frustrated.

I'm furious that I've worked so hard, and that my body has failed me.. again. I'm upset that I nagged and nagged to see a specialist early, knowing that it'd take a while to get things moving, and now we're waiting.. again. I'm pissed off that other people can blink & get knocked up, can have their babies close in age while time moves our age gap further and further apart. I'm irritated that while other people are anticipating a baby, I'm hoping just to get a freakin' period before we can do anything else. I'm empathising with other friends who haven't yet got their miracle, and who are handling themselves with more grace & dignity than I am, which makes me so ashamed. 

I feel like an arsehole.

So I say this to any of my friends, on and offline who have noticed a change in me - I'm sorry. I hate that I'm feeling this way, hate that I'm so jaded by this whole journey. Please know that I'm not usually like this, and forgive me for taking space & dealing with your happy news in a guarded way. I am happy for you, and I will celebrate with you. But for now, I'll be hugging my baby girl tight, being thankful for what I have, and hoping I can claw my way back from the space that I am in.