This Week

It's been an okay week, around here. Some highs, some lows.

First up - YES! Georgia has started taking steps. She isn't walking, but she's making good attempts at balancing and lurching off across the room. I'm so, so proud of her. I hope she continues being brave, my big girl!

We had a follow up appointment with the OB on Monday. He did a scan, and my uterus is empty, and he's happy with my levels coming down on pregnancy tests. Still a tiny squinter there, so hopefully not too much longer before they're back at 0. He said that it takes an average of 3-4 weeks for them to level out. 

So far, we don't have a lot of answers. My blood tests {taken the morning we found out, in preparation for the NT scan} all came back fine, immunities, iron, etc. All of the testing levels were low, indicating a possible problem with the pregnancy, even if it hadn't ended already. My AMH was low, as was my free bHCG and my papp-A. With Georgia, they were 0.54 & 0.18 respectively; low enough to give us a high risk rating. This baby was 0.25 & 0.09. With those results, the OB is fairly sure that it indicates a chromosomal problem with the embryo - though we have to wait for the full genetic testing to come back in a few more weeks to confirm.

I don't know what I'm supposed to hope for. Part of me wants a reason for our loss; a genetic problem that was out of our control, but then I feel so guilty to our little one. If the results come back totally normal, I'll have to be content with just not knowing what went wrong - was it me? Did I do something that inadvertently caused the baby's heartbeat to stop? And if it DOES come back as a genetic issue, does that mean our last frozen embryo is already doomed? Too many questions for my liking.

Either way, we are now in post-miscarriage limbo: waiting for a period. I'm glad the physical healing is done.

Pros:

• Hot bath! Hot, hot soak in the tub. Heavenly.
• Back to normal life, whatever that is.
• The all clear for exercising.. I've run three times this week, 15km. Not bad for a first week back.

Cons:

• I miss my baby. So, so much.

We have first steps!

Proud mama moment - she is off! :) 

Love and Support

We've been overwhelmed by the love and generosity of our friends and family members over the last few weeks. From the day we found out that we had lost the baby, the messages of support just kept flying in.

It's so hard to say much other than 'thank you' - but I've tried hard to make sure people know how grateful I am, we both are. Little tokens were left on our doorstep, cards were posted to us so that we can read in private - it was beautiful, and showed us how loved we are - even in our darkest moments.

It's not only the physical things that mean so much though - it's the words, the text messages, the support I've received from other amazing women online. I wouldn't be healing without you... so thank you, so so much.

Down, Down

Somehow, another week has passed. Time seems to be speeding up again - which is both a good thing, and a sad thing. We're further away from being pregnant; but we're closer to getting going again in the future.

Already the little milestones are hurting - we would have been 13 weeks soon, we would have gone for our NT scan and received those perfect first pictures of our baby looking like a proper little baby & we would have announced the pregnancy to the world. I can't even imagine how sad it's going to be towards bigger events, like how we should have been nearly 7 months pregnant at Christmas, or even towards the due date.

The last few days have been a bit rubbish. I finally stopped bleeding and spotting, and was relieved to have physically gotten over the last effects of the d&c... and then I got a stomach flu. Just a 24 hour bug, but all the strain of the vomiting/nausea on my body started the bleeding back up again. Not a lot, and thankfully short lived.

I also used a few cheap pregnancy tests to see how my lines were looking, since we haven't had bloods taken to check the hcg levels dropping yet. Last week's one was SUPER positive, darker than the control. That was depressing - knowing you are most definitely not pregnant, but the sticks glaring at you. The picture below shows this week; the top was Tuesday, the bottom was yesterday {Friday}. It's a squinter now. I guess my hormones are finally levelling out. It's bittersweet, isn't it? Praying so hard for your pregnancy test sticks to get darker and things to progress - and now be wanting so badly for them to be negative, so we can start again.

Emotionally, I'm feeling okay for the most part. I don't think the sadness or the disappointment will ever go away - but the random bouts of anger about the loss really surprised me. Looking at other people who are pregnant, or who have kids easily... getting upset reading about stories of neglected kids or unwanted pregnancies - why them, and not us? I even got irrationally angry reading about other miscarriage stories, of people falling pregnant soon after their losses - why? Because we can't do that. There's no 'just try again!' with us. There's no 'have a go next month!' We have to plan this whole thing, we have to PAY for this whole thing, we have to wait, constantly wait. It's just such bullshit. I would give anything to be fertile enough to get pregnant again quickly.

But yeah... we're getting there. I'll have good days, and bad days - and hopefully people will understand that.

Our OB follow up appointment is on Monday, so I'm steeling myself to be brave... walking back into his rooms full of pregnant women, getting back into his office where I found out I lost the baby, being opposite from the hospital where the d&c procedure took place. I'll have to put my big girl pants on, that's for sure.

This Kid

My daughter is so amazing - she has been more wonderful than ever in the past week. It's like she knows, and is trying hard to make us smile. She's made us laugh so much, and I love her for that. I can't even tell you how many times my husband and I have looked at each other and admired just how perfect this kid is. We are so lucky.

Announcing & Remembering

'Your Baby is 12 weeks old today!' Checking my emails has never hurt so much before. No.... no it's not.

To anyone else, today is the start of just another week. To us, it's a pretty special and bitter-sweet day. The day when we planned to announce publicly to the world that we were expecting our second miracle, coming soon - March 2015! To be honest, I hadn't quite figured out how I was going to tell people; probably a cute photograph of Georgia with a 'big sister' sign, or something along those lines - but we were almost there. Almost.

Instead, I'm announcing that a week ago, we found out that we had lost our baby & that our dream of a sibling for Georgia is no more, right now. In a rush of post-d&c rage and sadness, I've thrown away the leftover progesterone pessaries, tossed out the positive pregnancy tests, and put my doppler in the back of the wardrobe. I've deleted the pregnancy/fruit comparison pictures from my downloads folder, I've removed the scan picture off my fridge. It's not that I want to forget - absolutely not! It's just that I didn't want to be surrounded by it.

I'm so thankful for this blog; I will never forget my little person, or the feelings that came with/after them - that's why it's so important for me to write everything down. All those mementos will remain here forever, documenting the good, the bad, the excitement and the nerves. And now, the grief and the sadness.

While I've taken those small measures to protect my heart, I also refuse to be silent about it. I've never hidden the fact that we struggled with infertility, that we went down the IVF road & that we had bumps along the way. And I certainly don't intend to keep this miscarriage a secret. This was a much anticipated, and very longed-for child, and I'm so sad that we, and you guys, won't get to meet them.

Today, I'm sharing our news - in the hope that it honours our little one. So that people know they existed, that they were loved. So that people know the reason why we are so sad, and that we are recovering from such a massive loss. It's also for my friends, near and far, who have loved and lost too. We will never forget your angels, or our own.

So, here goes:

We were pregnant, and now we are not. We were hopeful and excited and overwhelmed with giddy joy at being parents once again - and now, we are not. But we have Georgia, and each other, and our amazing family and friends, and one day soon we'll have hope again - and with that hope, another shot at expanding our family.

Solitude

This quote speaks volumes to me right now:

"In the weeks after our loss, I couldn't help but wonder why and how our society has set up a situation where so many women are suffering through these experiences alone. We are encouraged not to tell people we are pregnant until 12 weeks, but then 80% of miscarriages happen before 12 weeks. So we face this incredibly life-altering experience in solitude. We wander around our "everyday" lives with a broken heart that no one else is aware of."

{source: And Then There Was None: The Miscarriage I Never Expected written by Lindley Pless}

And that, is why I'm so grateful to have our little community. Thank you for letting me speak about our pregnancy, to grieve our loss, and to help us learn to put ourselves back together - or to crumble, if we need it. 

I'm a bundle of emotions. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm bitter and I'm frustrated. I'm terrified of feeling this way - I'm scared this is it, that we won't add to our family again, that future IVF won't work and we'll be done. I'm frightened of what the genetic testing will say from our little baby, whether it'll be an embryo issue, or whether it'll be ME. I'm upset that in my grief, I'm letting people down - my family, my husband, my daughter.

My mum got me out of the house today. We went for a walk and a cafe lunch with Georgia. She knows I'm struggling, and I appreciate her trying to help. I just can't help but feel so alone, even when I know I'm not. I wouldn't wish this on anyone; I never expected to feel this way. My heart goes out to my friends who have experienced losses that I simply could never have anticipated at the time - the sadness just doesn't seem like enough. 

I just wish the cramping and bleeding would stop. 

The Aftermath

It's all so raw. This whole thing feels like a dream, until I remember the last few days.

The moment I walked into the OB's office, flustered from running straight from the pathology place downstairs - the midwife being so lovely and reassuring, telling me that lots of women felt anxious during their pregnancies, and that they'd scan for my peace of mind. The moment the OB scanned me, and very cautiously told me that he was struggling to see a heartbeat, that the baby measured small - and then doing an internal ultrasound to confirm what he wasn't seeing. The moment his words sunk in, and I realised I was alone, that Jason didn't know, that our baby had died. The moment he called home, told hubby the news, and we drove home together... with the realisation that everything had changed.

I was petrified of having a d&c - I've never had any kind of surgery before, no anaesthetic, nothing. But I was even more petrified of passing the baby at home, especially since my body still thought it was pregnant - and was in no rush to miscarry on its own. Considering the pain I had from the misoprostol tablets to start the process was SO intense, I would have really struggled at home, so I am 100% okay with my decision to have the d&c.

The procedure itself went fine, everyone was really sympathetic and my OB was really reassuring. I woke up from the anaesthetic with no side effects, but with quite a lot of pain and cramping that would NOT go away. They gave me enough pain meds to fell a grown man, and nothing worked; I wasn't even slightly tired either. After several hours in recovery, and a combination of drugs, I finally felt well enough to get myself into the outpatient centre and prepare to leave. I hadn't slept the night before, and I couldn't sleep that night. I wanted to, but I just couldn't.

Yesterday, I saw my GP. I wanted to let her know the news, and to get some help with the sleeping. She was devastated for me, and prescribed some tablets, and with her help I finally managed a sleep last night. If only it was dreamless.

So now.... what next? I have no idea. I'm home. I'm healing, still cramping (very mildly) and still bleeding (on and off) and just trying to push on. My family and friends have been great, lots of messages of support, but I feel like I'm still in hibernation mode. How do I face the real world, with happy and healthy pregnancies, when I just can't have that right now? I'm putting on a brave face, but I still can NOT believe this has happened.

I hate waiting.  I hate not having a plan. I hate not being in control. And that's what is especially hard about this - there is nothing we can do for a while. Other than hold each other, put the pieces back together, and wait.

Not Pregnant

I thought I knew what it felt like to walk into a hospital pregnant, and walk out NOT pregnant. I thought it happened with a healthy baby in your arms, after a long and mostly uneventful pregnancy. That's all I knew. Today, I did just that - but I didn't bring home our second baby; just an empty spot in my womb and a heavy heart.

The procedure wasn't too bad. The aftermath was really bad. I spent most of the afternoon in recovery, trying to find the right drugs to help with the pain. I'm home now, and ready to sleep and to start healing - physically and emotionally, however long that takes.

This is the last ultrasound I have of our beloved little baby, the one who made me a mummy again. Arms, legs, a perfect little body - just no heartbeat. I'm so grateful to have seen that little heart beating more than once, and to have bonded with this baby for the last 11 weeks. I just wish I could have held them in my arms one day, we both do. Rest in peace, our little blob. We loved you so much and will never, ever forget you.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

The courage to change the things I can, 

And the wisdom to know the difference.

We Lost Our Baby

I'm so completely devastated to tell you all that we just found out that our miracle second baby is no more. Today at our routine 11 week OB appointment, we saw our beautiful and perfect baby - but with no heartbeat.

Can't even begin to process what happens now, but my heart has broken into a million shattered pieces.

Tomorrow I'm being admitted to hospital for a d&c. My whole world is in a spin, and I'm holding on for dear life.

10 weeks + 3 days

Oh, I am a nervous wreck.

All my symptoms have gone, aside from the random hunger/aversions. I feel totally normal. I can't find the baby on the doppler, haven't been able to for the last few days. I'm really anxious that something's not right.

Plus, I've been having crazy dreams - last night in my dream, I was bleeding, went to the doctors, and the baby had no heartbeat. I woke up in tears and headed straight for the toilet, sure it was a sign. Thank goodness, but no, no bleeding or spotting. Why is this such a head-fuck?

On top of all of my craziness, Georgia came down with a random case of Hand, Foot & Mouth disease this week. We still don't know where she picked it up {could have been anywhere} but it's been nasty. She's still spotty and healing slowly, but we've been quarantined for most of this week to make sure it doesn't spread.

Monday's OB appointment can't come fast enough. :(

baby #2: 10 weeks pregnant

How far along? Double digits - into week 10, huzzah!

How big is baby? Baby is a prune or a kumquat this week. Squidgy little fruit baby, awww.

{Image via BabyCenter}

How I’m feeling? Went through a really nervous phase this past week - didn't feel pregnant, boobs stopped hurting, and I couldn't find the baby on the doppler. Since then, I've calmed down a bit - after I DID find the baby and made myself relax (and put the doppler away in a drawer!) Just another week or so until my next doctor visit.

How I’m changing? I'm alternating between being really relaxed about this pregnancy, to constantly worrying that something is wrong. Focussing on Georgia helps, as does remembering how lucky we are to be here.

Symptoms? I'm just so bloated. That and an emotional mess. That about sums it up.

Cravings? Still with the juice and with the saos, and potato-stuff. Hot chips & gravy, mmmmm.

Food Aversions? Went a bit funny off home cooked meat this week, so tended to avoid it.

Highlights this week? I turned 30 a few days ago - and I'm really looking forward to my thirties! I have an amazing hubby, cute fur babies, a beautiful little girl, and a tiny little kumquat baby in my belly. Life is good.

The Belly? Ok, I'll be brave & start up the belly shots.

Just remember: haggard tired mama, bloaty tummy. You have been warned!

Sixteen Months

This month has been quiet. I've been feeling the early pregnancy tiredness kicking in more than ever, and so we've been staying fairly close to home. She's still not walking, but we're doing lots of practise exercises with her.

This month Georgia has:

• Stayed in size 1 clothes, and is quite comfortable in them. She's starting to fill them out a little more now.
• Weighed in (roughly) on our scales at around 10.7kg. Growing beautifully! Getting so big.
• Been crawling, standing, and cruising around all over the place. 

• Managed to stand on her own for very short periods of time, before losing her balance. We're working on it!
• Started getting a bit more confident when walking with us, holding our hands. She'll still crumple if and when she has had enough/is tired/doesn't want to do it anymore. Miss Georgia has been stubborn from the very beginning!
• Begun feeling much happier and more comfortable with new people. She crawls over and sits up with her hands in the air {Up!} and wants them to pick her up and carry her around. Little flirt!

• Started saying some more words a bit clearer. Mama, Dad, and more recently Georgia! Too cute.
• Trialled being in a forward facing car seat for ONE journey in a friend's car - and loved is so much that she promptly fell asleep. She'll still be rear facing in our cars for a little while longer, although it's getting really tricky to get her in and out now that she's getting taller.
• Had her first trip into Darling Harbour in Sydney and was really well behaved - until the food ran out!!

You can see all of Georgia's monthly pictures by clicking here.