'Your Baby is 12 weeks old today!' Checking my emails has never hurt so much before. No.... no it's not.
To anyone else, today is the start of just another week. To us, it's a pretty special and bitter-sweet day. The day when we planned to announce publicly to the world that we were expecting our second miracle, coming soon - March 2015! To be honest, I hadn't quite figured out how I was going to tell people; probably a cute photograph of Georgia with a 'big sister' sign, or something along those lines - but we were almost there. Almost.
Instead, I'm announcing that a week ago, we found out that we had lost our baby & that our dream of a sibling for Georgia is no more, right now. In a rush of post-d&c rage and sadness, I've thrown away the leftover progesterone pessaries, tossed out the positive pregnancy tests, and put my doppler in the back of the wardrobe. I've deleted the pregnancy/fruit comparison pictures from my downloads folder, I've removed the scan picture off my fridge. It's not that I want to forget - absolutely not! It's just that I didn't want to be surrounded by it.
I'm so thankful for this blog; I will never forget my little person, or the feelings that came with/after them - that's why it's so important for me to write everything down. All those mementos will remain here forever, documenting the good, the bad, the excitement and the nerves. And now, the grief and the sadness.
While I've taken those small measures to protect my heart, I also refuse to be silent about it. I've never hidden the fact that we struggled with infertility, that we went down the IVF road & that we had bumps along the way. And I certainly don't intend to keep this miscarriage a secret. This was a much anticipated, and very longed-for child, and I'm so sad that we, and you guys, won't get to meet them.
I'm so thankful for this blog; I will never forget my little person, or the feelings that came with/after them - that's why it's so important for me to write everything down. All those mementos will remain here forever, documenting the good, the bad, the excitement and the nerves. And now, the grief and the sadness.
While I've taken those small measures to protect my heart, I also refuse to be silent about it. I've never hidden the fact that we struggled with infertility, that we went down the IVF road & that we had bumps along the way. And I certainly don't intend to keep this miscarriage a secret. This was a much anticipated, and very longed-for child, and I'm so sad that we, and you guys, won't get to meet them.
Today, I'm sharing our news - in the hope that it honours our little one. So that people know they existed, that they were loved. So that people know the reason why we are so sad, and that we are recovering from such a massive loss. It's also for my friends, near and far, who have loved and lost too. We will never forget your angels, or our own.
So, here goes:
We were pregnant, and now we are not. We were hopeful and excited and overwhelmed with giddy joy at being parents once again - and now, we are not. But we have Georgia, and each other, and our amazing family and friends, and one day soon we'll have hope again - and with that hope, another shot at expanding our family.
So, here goes:
We were pregnant, and now we are not. We were hopeful and excited and overwhelmed with giddy joy at being parents once again - and now, we are not. But we have Georgia, and each other, and our amazing family and friends, and one day soon we'll have hope again - and with that hope, another shot at expanding our family.
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5 comments:
Miscarriage is hard because it's so rarely talked about. People pass it off as 'nothing major' because 'you weren't very far along' but you're not just grieving the loss of your baby with a miscarriage.
You're grieving the loss of your baby, your pregnancy, your tummy growing bigger, feeling your baby move inside you, finding out it's sex, planning the nursery, picking out names, planning for the birth and then actually welcoming your baby into the world and your lives - a miscarriage robs you of ALL that, NOT just your baby but the whole experience and people either forget that or just don't bother to realise it.
I've been where you are Aly, more times than I care to count, except I never got to bring a live baby home, just lots of miscarriages and with them, dreams of the life we thought we'd have, dying too.
Take care of you x
I can't imagine how hard it is to soar so high and then crash. :( Hang in there.
Visiting from ICLW. I am so so sorry for your loss. I also worry alot about having number 2, I am 40 now and also need to get Nicky sleeping right and off the boob. I appreciate him so much but I do want more. Sending love and support.
I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to know I completely feel your pain. I lost my second son at 33 weeks and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and ever will do.
It's been hard to continue to try for a third especially when it continues to fail. But, it will be worth it when it works.
My thoughts are with your family.
Found you through the 2014 Creme de la Creme and just wanted to send a hug to you and say that I am so sorry for your loss. I also am outspoken about our IF and loss and commend you for it. It is not easy.
Sending you good luck with TTC in 2015! Hoping for the best for you.
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