No Miracles Here

So, if you were playing along, these were our betas:

14dpo: 60
16dpo: 86
18dpo: 76

This pregnancy has officially been deemed non-viable. I have to stop taking progesterone, and keep getting blood taken until we hit zero. I need to ring my clinic when I eventually (hopefully) start bleeding.

It's over, but it's not over.

Limbo, yet again - this time, waiting for another pregnancy to end. More fading pee sticks. More bloods taken from my already bruised and battered arms.

Please let this be over quickly.

Not the news I was hoping to announce

Well... I guess it's time to come clean.

That limbo I was talking about? It wasn't waiting to cycle limbo. It was early pregnancy limbo.

We started preparing for our final FET a few weeks ago, and kept it quiet from everyone. After the sadness and disappointment of the miscarriage last cycle, after bringing everyone down.. we decided to just do it on our own. We mostly expected it to fail anyway, because of our luck lately - but to our surprise, it didn't fail.

We got a positive, and were completely over the moon. Maybe this would be our rainbow baby?

Except, the sticks kept getting fainter, then darker again, and I started getting panicky. I had bloods taken at 14dpo, and my beta was 60. Not great, not great at all - especially when I knew EXACTLY what date my transfer was. My repeat was done yesterday, and my beta was 86. Progesterone dropped from 178 to 106 too.

My GP/FS are telling me to prepare for a miscarriage. I have to have one more blood test tomorrow, and if the numbers are still bad, we stop all medications, and wait to miscarry naturally. I'm resigned to this loss, it can't possibly be going in the right direction for a healthy pregnancy - but now I'm more terrified of NOT losing the baby properly.

I don't want two d&c's in a row. I want a natural loss, I want to stop the progesterone and have everything taken care of. I want my body to do something the right way for a change. This is two losses, two failed pregnancies, and both times my body has refused to admit that something isn't right. Does anyone have any advice on what happens after you stop the pessaries cold turkey?

So, secret is out. Once again, we were pregnant, and now we're looking at another pregnancy ending. There isn't a rainbow baby here. We have no more frozen embryos.

This sucks. My heart has shattered all over again, and it was barely glued back together from the first loss.

Limbo

I wish I had more to write about, but I'm still sitting here in limbo.

Hoping life will pick up soon, so we can get on with things -- I'm trying so hard to be hopeful that baby #2 might be in our future, but it's so hard to be positive when it feels like you're going nowhere & everyone else is leaving you behind.

In the meantime... Georgia is delightful. All chatter, all the time. Couldn't tell you what language she's babbling away in, though! She's toddling up a storm, is totally in love with her animals, and is just the cutest damn thing.

I promise I'll update more frequently when I have news. If you could send some good vibes this way, I'd appreciate it!

What's new in your world?

Reading up a Storm

One of my goals back at the beginning of this year was to read more.

I barely had time to pick up a book at ALL last year, what with the newborn days and Georgia growing up so fast... so I picked a goal of 6 books for the year. I figured that gave me plenty of time for me to get back into the habit again.

So far I'm at 26 books. :)

I've well and truly smashed my goal, and it's only October! Let's face it, I've had plenty of time up my sleeve lately.

I'm pretty proud of my efforts... especially since I completed fairly lengthy books in there. I've read all of the Game of Thrones novels, and they aren't especially short. I've also started re-reading the Outlander series, since they're close to my heart.

I still don't have a lot of time to read during the day, since Georgia keeps me busy. But every night after she goes to bed, I go up early myself & read. I also finally joined a library, which I'd just never gotten around to doing before. Having that 'me time' has been a good way to tune out when things get tough.

Have you guys got any good recommendations for me?

As you can see from some of those titles, my reading tastes are REALLY varied. My favourite kind of books are the ones that suck you in from the get go. :)

Hibernation

I'm here. I'm hiding from the constant reminders that virtually everyone in my world right now is pregnant.

It just really, really hurts.

{source}

Halfway to Nowhere

October 15th is widely known as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Those of us who have lost a pregnancy or a little one remember EVERY day, but this is a special day/month all the same.

For me, the day is especially bittersweet.

I would have been exactly 20 weeks pregnant with our little boy, had he lived. We would be celebrating the halfway point, planning for the final trimesters & having another ultrasound. Instead, we're left mourning the son we didn't get to meet, and finding a way to move on without that person in our lives. You don't know how much I long for things to have been different.

Tonight I will light a candle for our baby. I will remind myself of how special he was and how HAPPY we were for him to be in our lives - and all of the hopes & dreams I had for him. I will remember my friends & their angel babies too, and send healing vibes their way. And most of all, I will hope. Hope for our family & hope for a miracle.

Sending so many warm fuzzies to those of you, near & far, who are also remembering on this day.

Incomplete

Oh hi!

I'm still here.. just drowning in a sea of pregnancy announcements, baby bumps & new babies. It's been pretty freaking hard.

To an outsider, I'm sure I seem just fine. I'll put on a happy face and smile when I'm supposed to. I'll try not to be the downer in the room, and I'll put my energy into Georgia, my family and running, and keeping busy to pass the time.

But some days, I'm so tired of pretending to not be bothered by it all. I AM bothered. I'm missing my tiny baby, I'm missing the pregnancy, I'm missing looking forward to a new baby coming home with me next year.

I'm frustrated to be waiting around again, when I 'should' have been halfway through a pregnancy and on the home stretch. I'm frustrated with people having the best luck in the world, and getting knocked up without a second thought. I'm frustrated with people who don't have to temp, to chart, to be poked and prodded and injected and inspected, just to get a shot at a baby. I'm frustrated when people who have no earthly idea what I'm feeling, tell me to be positive, or to be grateful for what I have.

As if for a second, I'm not thankful. I am. But I'm also walking around each day and feeling so very, very incomplete.

Teaching Your Toddler Expletives

It was shaping up to be another boring Wednesday evening. Dinner had been eaten {or pitched off the high chair}, things had been tidied up {and thrown back on the floor again} and we were settled in for Georgia's evening viewing of Bubble Guppies.

As is often the case with the elusive fickle toddler, this lasted all of five minutes before she wandered off to find something else to play with. Musical instruments? Nah. Building blocks? No way! Slightly irritating stuffed singing piggy? Yep yep yep!

Georgia was happily playing away, and I was happily taking photographs of her - she was in a great mood and was looking super cute in her summery outfit. It was then that I noticed she was REALLY paying attention to the pig - and I couldn't figure out why. Until she babbled something in gibberish, grabbed my hand, and passed me over something. She does this quite often; though it's usually clumps of car fur, or dust bunnies, or crumbs she's found on the floor, so I didn't think much of it. Until I opened my hand and IT WAS A SPIDER.

Yargh!

It was quickly smooshed {sorry, but we don't do spidies in this household} but not before I'd bellowed out a chorus of expletives, as Georgia sat there innocently watching me. You watch, she'll say those before she says 'Nanna' or 'Dog'. ;)

Wasn't until after she'd gone to bed and I uploaded the photos that I realised I had the whole thing on film - the only thing missing was my reaction, which is probably a good thing.

Luckily it was just a harmless house spider. When she gets bigger, we'll have to be having words about leaving spiders alone; Australia has too many dangerous ones that sometimes wander inside houses. She thought the whole thing was hilarious - my response to it most of all. This crazy kid, giving me heart attacks on a daily basis.

Anti-Food?

Georgia's always been a good little eater. She took to solids like a pro way back when, and she's been fantastic with food ever since. Other than not particularly enjoying avocado, she ate nearly everything we threw at her.

Until now. Toddler-hood. Ruining good eating habits since 2014.

Seriously, I think she'd live on a diet of cereal, bananas & pasta bolognese if she could. I offer everything. I disguise veggies in meatballs and sauces. I offer different fruits at lunch time, which get pitched over the edge of the high-chair. Vegetables get licked, and then tossed.

Please tell me this is just a phase? :)