Thursday, 30 October 2014

Not the news I was hoping to announce

Well... I guess it's time to come clean.

That limbo I was talking about? It wasn't waiting to cycle limbo. It was early pregnancy limbo.

We started preparing for our final FET a few weeks ago, and kept it quiet from everyone. After the sadness and disappointment of the miscarriage last cycle, after bringing everyone down.. we decided to just do it on our own. We mostly expected it to fail anyway, because of our luck lately - but to our surprise, it didn't fail.

We got a positive, and were completely over the moon. Maybe this would be our rainbow baby?

Except, the sticks kept getting fainter, then darker again, and I started getting panicky. I had bloods taken at 14dpo, and my beta was 60. Not great, not great at all - especially when I knew EXACTLY what date my transfer was. My repeat was done yesterday, and my beta was 86. Progesterone dropped from 178 to 106 too.

My GP/FS are telling me to prepare for a miscarriage. I have to have one more blood test tomorrow, and if the numbers are still bad, we stop all medications, and wait to miscarry naturally. I'm resigned to this loss, it can't possibly be going in the right direction for a healthy pregnancy - but now I'm more terrified of NOT losing the baby properly.

I don't want two d&c's in a row. I want a natural loss, I want to stop the progesterone and have everything taken care of. I want my body to do something the right way for a change. This is two losses, two failed pregnancies, and both times my body has refused to admit that something isn't right. Does anyone have any advice on what happens after you stop the pessaries cold turkey?

So, secret is out. Once again, we were pregnant, and now we're looking at another pregnancy ending. There isn't a rainbow baby here. We have no more frozen embryos.

This sucks. My heart has shattered all over again, and it was barely glued back together from the first loss.
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13 comments:

  1. Hotpotatokate30 October 2014 at 12:51

    I am so, so, so sorry. How f*cking unfair. I just don't even have any more words.

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  2. Mrs. Higrens30 October 2014 at 13:08

    Oh Aly. I wish I had miraculous words of encouragement and redemption. My heart is hurting for you.

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  3. jess30 October 2014 at 13:36

    I'm so sorry to hear this sad news. Like Hotpotatokate has said it just isn't fair. Sending you a virtual hug.

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  4. aimee30 October 2014 at 14:42

    Sending you so much love. Im so sorry.

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  5. Kato Potato30 October 2014 at 21:50

    Ohhhh, big hugs Aly. I'm sorry things are just not going your way. :(

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  6. One and Done?30 October 2014 at 22:10

    Ugh, I am so sorry! ((hugs))

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  7. Britt31 October 2014 at 00:06

    My heart hurts for you both. I'm so so sorry. Sending love and big bear hugs.

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  8. JB31 October 2014 at 03:05

    Your post made me so sad for you this morning. I feel your grief and your pain in your words. I'm just so sorry you're going through this--it ISN'T fair. Nothing I can say makes it better, but I hope you know I'm sending you hugs as you muddle through this terrible time. So sorry sweetie :(

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  9. Jesica31 October 2014 at 03:42

    I'm so very sorry you're going through this, 2 miscarriages in a row...so rough. My advice for the natural miscarriage unfortunately is to give it time. Mine was almost 4 weeks from when the baby's heart stopped to when the miscarriage actually happened but that was an 8 week pregnancy. The chemical pregnancy took 4-5 days and that was a 4 week pregnancy, so you have to give your body a bit of time to do what it needs to do if you're going the natural route. Some people prefer the D&C because it's quick and "ends" the ordeal quicker but I'm glad I did the natural both times, the time it took my body to let go was time I needed to heal. Good luck on whatever you choose to do.

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  10. Just T31 October 2014 at 06:07

    I am hoping they are wrong and you have an amazing number with your next beta.

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  11. Novella31 October 2014 at 06:40

    Oh Aly I'm so sorry. Thinking of you xox

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  12. Katelin31 October 2014 at 09:47

    Oh Aly I am so so sorry, sending lots of love and hugs your way friend xoxo

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  13. Shannon3 November 2014 at 13:01

    Saying hi - we just met on Twitter via Janet. Again, I'm so sorry for this loss and all you've been through. Just read your infertility journey. You've been through a lot of hell. I hope your body cooperates soon. My pregnancy stopped developing around 6 weeks, and I spent a few weeks feeling pregnant, knowing I wasn't. Not really. At around 10 weeks, I had a D&C. I didn't want to wait around forever for my body to figure this out. I hope yours does though. And soon, so you can figure out what's next.

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