Storms

This quote really spoke to me over the past few days:

I'm starting to realise that it's not just about learning how to deal with infertility, or even how to deal with the grief of losing two pregnancies in the last six months.

It's about learning how to cope with life going on around you.

Life doesn't stop just because your heart is breaking. Life for everyone else can be amazing, full of hope and love and joy - and at the same time, has left you feeling very alone in a pretty dark place.

I see this every day.

I look at my daughter, who is full of extreme squeals of happiness & dramatic toddler meltdowns; she has a pretty great life, and we are so lucky to get to witness her grow older each day, learn new things, speak new gibberish, delight in the world around her.

I look at other women who I envy so much, who get pregnant when they want to get pregnant, who know no sadness or heartache when it comes to trying for, and carrying a baby.

I look at myself, back in previous years. I remember what it felt like to get that positive pregnancy test that stuck around, when I felt my baby growing inside of me, when I gave birth & our entire world changed.

Life can be really, really good.

But it can also be really, really hard.

I'm in a hard spot right now. This feels different to the years of infertility before Georgia was born. This is a new kind of hard. It's infertility, and it's grief, and combined, well, it's just hard. And that's okay. Hard is okay.

I've always loved storms. Watching the weather go from calm to chaotic to calm again, from the safety of your own home - it's therapeutic. I've watched many storms from my window. This time, the storm is in my own head & heart... it's chaos right now, but it'll be calm again eventually. I just wish other people could understand a little of what I'm going through, instead of constantly telling me to STOP feeling a certain way. This is my way. I'm working it out.

I'm just lucky that I have an amazing husband & a beautiful little girl to hold on to when the seas get rocky.