Today's bloods didn't go too great. I got a text from the clinic saying that the hormones are still low, and to continue on the increased 75 dose over the weekend, and then more bloods on Monday.

Obviously that doesn't bode well for us... so I rang the clinic and left a message, because I've been freaking out about this timeline since the get go. A nurse rang me back and I had a bit of a meltdown - she explained that there is no set time for all of this, and it would take as long as it would take.

She could tell I was anxious though, and I explained that it wouldn't normally bother me so much, except for this whole time-frame thing. She tweaked a few things and will get me in Monday morning for an ultrasound first thing, so that we can get a better picture about what's going on in there.

If I have a promising follicle, they might boost the drugs & do our best to get to trigger phase. (Which would have to be by Thursday at the latest, in order to grow out to a 5 day transfer, all going well.) If I have another cyst, or if there are no signs that the FSH drugs are working, we might cancel altogether. It's going to be a wait & see approach, that's for sure.

Still hoping for a miracle, but I've gotta say... my hope is wearing a little thin right now.

Things are still up in the air. I've been jabbing for a week now, and have had two blood tests in that time.

{If you're new to these parts, I'm doing an OI/FET cycle right now.}

On Friday, after 5 days of jabbing, the nurse told me the levels were 'low' and that if they hadn't shown a surge starting by Monday, we'd likely have to increase the Gonal-F dosage. Today, after 7 days of jabbing, the nurse told me that the levels were STILL 'low' (E2 was 131) and to increase the jab dosage from 50 to 75. We'll leave it a few days and then check the bloods again this coming Thursday.

I am FREAKING out.

It's CD10... and I'm nowhere near surging. We leave in 16 days. We'll need to leave 5-7 days for transfer, from trigger/ovulation... so the clock is really ticking here.

Please body, give us this miracle cycle. Pleasepleaseplease.

Wait.. what?

Last I updated, we'd found out about an ovarian cyst buggering up my cycle. The plan was to wait 5 days and then go ahead and start taking the birth control pill.

Well, on day 4 I started spotting. I rang the clinic, who said it could be just spotting - or if it turned into full flow, to not bother taking the pill and to ring them. Lo and behold, the next morning: hello, AF.

(YAY?)

I mean, it's bittersweet. I'm happy she arrived, because it means that the cyst levels must have started dropping enough to instigate a bleed. But then, it was too late to start a cycle anyway, right? Maybe not...

My IVF clinic had me in on Day 4 to do a blood test, and to pay for a cycle. I started Gonal-F yesterday and will go in for bloods again on Saturday to see how things are going. I'm nervous that this is going to be a VERY tight squeeze (got to ovulate, trigger, and transfer, all before February 11th) but I have a bit of faith that this surprise cycle might be a lucky one!

Either way, it's out of my hands. I'm jabbing and I'm waiting and I'm being hopeful!!! :)

I have an answer about why my cycle has been so messed up - and typically, it's another worst case scenario.

So, you all know my period has been missing for quite a while now - and we're over two weeks late. Today was CD50. This is not okay for a cycle that's been using Femara + hcg + Provera. Yesterday, my OPK strip got dark & my clearblue test started flashing - what the heck? I called my clinic this morning and begged them to get me in for some bloods, to see if maybe I was ovulating late. Maybe, just maybe, we could potentially squeeze in a FET before our holiday after all!

But nope.

The blood test showed my levels were all over the place. My progesterone was high, but my oestrogen was also high - but I had no ovulating hormones present. The nurse rang me confused, and had me come in for an urgent ultrasound. She was expecting to see a follicle that had sprung up & was maybe needing a little help to release.

Instead, we found a juicy thick uterine lining - and a cyst the size of my ovary, totally swallowing that ovary. After seeing that on the ultrasound, I knew it was all over. I'm to start birth control pills now, and stay on them until after our holiday. There will be no cycle now until March, guaranteed.

More disappointment.

I know that everyone gets tested at some point in their lives. It sure fels like this is our time. It's been one thing after the other, after the others. First the infertility {again}, then the miscarriage, then the second miscarriage, then the failed IVF cycle, and now this.

How much more do we need to go through before it's our turn?

Still no period.

I've given up all hope of it arriving before our cut off date.. so I'm resigned to the fact that we won't be getting a transfer in for a few months now. It breaks my heart more than I can put into words - not only because I was so hopeful that this year would be different, be better, but because it means that our odds of being pregnant by our first angel baby's due date.. well, they're virtually nil.

The reminder that our baby's birthday would have been coming up so soon is starting to hit home for me. I'm sure the actual day will come and go and be just another 1/365 - but I'm preparing myself to have some tough emotional days over the next few months. I miss that little baby so much. It seems insane to miss something that was only with you for 11 weeks, but there you go. I feel like I've done a good job of rationalising the loss and moving forward, but it's still with me. And it still hurts.

I guess the difference between the first loss and the second is that I didn't really get to bond with that second pregnancy. It was over not long after it began, even though the actual miscarriage dragged out until just before six weeks. But our little boy, that was different. We'd had the chance to 'meet' him, we'd heard his heart beating, we'd watched that strong, pulsing flicker several times, we'd seen him wiggle on a screen.

The NSW government has brought in a special certificate, known as a recognition of early pregnancy loss {for babies who pass away at less than 20 weeks gestation} for parents who have lost their little ones. It's not an official birth/death certificate, but it's something that bears their name, should you choose to name them, and acknowledges the loss. I've applied for one for Noah, but I don't know that I should apply for the second baby. Other than our GP who ordered the beta testing, nobody really got to know that baby/hope of a baby, except for us. I feel like that pregnancy is remembered better in my heart.

I just feel so much older than I did this time last year - older than the calendar year that has gone past.

I was always resigned to the fact that our journey to parenthood would be a rocky one, but I had faith in the process and that we'd get there eventually. And we did.. eventually. I wouldn't change Georgia for all the $$ in the world, she was worth every cent, every heartache. It just feels that with every setback, or negative outcome, that faith is chipped away a little more.

It's been a week since my last post, and my period is still missing in action. Since then, I've finished a course of Provera & nothing has happened. Nada. Not even a speck of spotting. It's driving me nuts.

Heard of any old wives tales for bringing on a period? Well, you name it & I bet I've tried it. Hot baths, white undies, running up & down stairs, cranberry juice, mangos & oranges, vitamin C supplements.. the list goes on.

I even brought out the big guns and tried parsley tea. I have friends who swear by it, and a few searches online brought up repeated websites advocating its use to bring about a missing period. Worth a shot, right?

The idea is pretty simple: chop up a whole bunch of fresh parsley, fill with hot water & steep - the longer the better. I do mine in the morning, and it makes about 1L of parsley tea, which I strain & then drink a cup of every few hours.

In case you were wondering, it tastes like complete arse.

I'm not a big fan of parsley at the best of time, other than a little seasoning... but let me tell you, after chugging this nonsense for the past two days, just the whiff of parsley will send me running for fresh air.

I've even tried it using dried flakes of parsley, which was just plain nasty.. and a LOT spicier than fresh.

I have a routine down pat now. First off... you need your glass ready to go, and a separate glass filled with cranberry juice - why? It's the only other beverage that seems to get rid of the parsley taste after you've had your tea. I hold my nose, chug down a few gulps, then grab a swig of cranberry. Rinse and repeat until you're done.

If nothing else, I guess parsley tea is good for your body.. but seriously.. I just need a freaking period.

I've been having discussions with fellow mum friends lately, about the internet & all that comes with it. I've used this space for such a long time now, it's second nature to share posts without a care in the world. Without it, I wouldn't have met so many of you lovely folks, and some of my closest friends.

You guys, it has been HOT down here!

We've been plague by colds and sniffles and body aches over the last few weeks, but thankfully are on the mend now -- so it was perfect timing when we received a special package from White Soda just before Christmas.

It contained the most gorgeous swimwear pieces for Georgia - check these babies out! We're going to Fiji next month (!) and of course they'll be coming along with us... but we couldn't wait to test them out in the meantime.

First up, the Pink Lemonade Daisies Rash Top & Swim Nappy set. I love the rash shirts, since they offer that little bit more sun protection - and the daisy pattern is really simple and sweet.

This was the first time Georgia had used her sand & water activity table that she got as a Christmas present, and she was having a good time splashing around with it. Spencer couldn't help but join in. :)
So now that she's worn all of the pieces, I feel comfortable sharing my verdict with you all:

• I love, love, love the fact that they're all UPF 50+ sun resistant, it makes me feel comfortable that she's being sun smart - and thankfully, with us having a giant outdoor sun umbrella to add extra shade, as well as lots of sunscreen, we're pretty set up in our yard. As for getting her to wear hats... well, that's another story. We're working on it!
• The cossies all held up well in the wash - and the brand assures that they won't fade or stretch. They're also chlorine resistant, which will be good when we're off on holidays next month.
• You're able to mix and match pieces, and there are plenty of designs to choose from on their website. I like the idea of swapping a short or a long sleeved rash shirt to go with the swim nappy/bikini bottom - or adding a rash shirt over the top of a one piece.
• The sizing is a little variable, since we sampled sizes 1, 2 and 3 - and all fit in a variety of ways. The swim nappy we received seems to be the largest size available, so I'm envisioning it being a slightly larger make to suit toddlers who aren't yet toilet trained. Since Georgia is still wearing mostly size 1 clothing in everyday wear, and the 2 & 3 White Soda pieces fit her, I'd be favouring purchasing a larger size, just in case.
• Hubby and I both agree - they are pretty flippin' adorable.