Amenorrhea & Acknowledgements

Still no period.

I've given up all hope of it arriving before our cut off date.. so I'm resigned to the fact that we won't be getting a transfer in for a few months now. It breaks my heart more than I can put into words - not only because I was so hopeful that this year would be different, be better, but because it means that our odds of being pregnant by our first angel baby's due date.. well, they're virtually nil.

The reminder that our baby's birthday would have been coming up so soon is starting to hit home for me. I'm sure the actual day will come and go and be just another 1/365 - but I'm preparing myself to have some tough emotional days over the next few months. I miss that little baby so much. It seems insane to miss something that was only with you for 11 weeks, but there you go. I feel like I've done a good job of rationalising the loss and moving forward, but it's still with me. And it still hurts.

I guess the difference between the first loss and the second is that I didn't really get to bond with that second pregnancy. It was over not long after it began, even though the actual miscarriage dragged out until just before six weeks. But our little boy, that was different. We'd had the chance to 'meet' him, we'd heard his heart beating, we'd watched that strong, pulsing flicker several times, we'd seen him wiggle on a screen.

The NSW government has brought in a special certificate, known as a recognition of early pregnancy loss {for babies who pass away at less than 20 weeks gestation} for parents who have lost their little ones. It's not an official birth/death certificate, but it's something that bears their name, should you choose to name them, and acknowledges the loss. I've applied for one for Noah, but I don't know that I should apply for the second baby. Other than our GP who ordered the beta testing, nobody really got to know that baby/hope of a baby, except for us. I feel like that pregnancy is remembered better in my heart.

I just feel so much older than I did this time last year - older than the calendar year that has gone past.

I was always resigned to the fact that our journey to parenthood would be a rocky one, but I had faith in the process and that we'd get there eventually. And we did.. eventually. I wouldn't change Georgia for all the $$ in the world, she was worth every cent, every heartache. It just feels that with every setback, or negative outcome, that faith is chipped away a little more.