Last night, a bunch of us went for a walk - my parents, Georgia in the stroller, and me.
It was pretty dark while we were out... but it was cool, so that was a perk. As we were walking down past the local primary school, I happened to get a feeling and looked up - and there was a beautiful owl perched right on the pole next to me. It was absolutely silent, and blended in with the darkness - so I'm not sure what it was that made me look up. For some reason, I had this feeling that it was a sign of some kind.
I did a bit of research after getting home, because I was curious. Symbolic meanings for the owl are:
Well, I don't know about wisdom - but change? Change I can handle. We are 7dp5dt and all is negative, and we're now just waiting for this cycle to be over. It hasn't worked. I could use a change.
I was thinking about all we've gone through since we started trying for a second child. First, it was weaning Georgia & trying on our own (hoping to be one of those miracle stories that everybody likes to tell you about - you know, IVF for baby #1 and then SURPRISE! Natural baby for #2. Yeah. No.) Then, losing some weight while waiting for our specialist appointment. Seeing our specialist and making a plan. Letrozole & FET #1 bringing the best news ever - and then the saddest thing that's ever happened to me, finding out the baby had died & having a d&c at 11 weeks. Waiting for months for the miscarriage to be over, for my body to co-operate and get back to 'normal'. Letrozole & FET #2 bringing an even better surprise - and that happiness not even lasting more than a few weeks, when we found out that was a nonviable pregnancy also. Then having to do another full IVF stim cycle... the eager anticipation of a fresh transfer, maybe a new start - but nope, that didn't work out either, with progesterone being too high & the cycle being a freeze all, no transfer. Then waiting, more waiting - Letrozole failing to work, then Gonal-F failing to work, then an ovarian cyst needing birth control for a month. All this waiting, and sadness - and then we tried a Programmed FET with Progynova & Progesterone - and it worked beautifully. A picture perfect lining, a perfect 14 day cycle with a day 5 transfer... until we walked into that waiting room to find a less than ideal, sad looking behind embryo. And now, not surprisingly, a BFN.
It's just shit. This whole thing is shit.
And I'm feeling less than confident about our remaining day 1 embryos. I just want to stop all oestrogen and progesterone support and have a period - but then there's that little part of my brain {the stupid part} that says to hold on and wait, maybe I'll be one of THOSE stories on the interwebs who gets a late BFP and ends up with a baby. Maybe. Always a maybe.
If that owl was trying to give me a message, I wish it had been a bit clearer. I'm feeling so lost right now.
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7 comments:
Well, unfortunately for me I am here too and I wish for you that you were not. I was recently reading up more about IVF stats and 70% of IVF's fail. Eventually, cumulatively you will have success but I guess that is where the 3 transfers rule comes in.
IVF is a mugs game. Infertility is so blatantly and horribly unfair. I was also reading in looking up counselling and IVF that the director of IVF Australia said IVF is the worst form of torture he can think of to give anybody. What they do to us is just horrible. And, yep it is so true.
All last year I had dreams of a black snake. Very vivid dreams of seeing the snake slither past me. At the time I tried to see the positive in the interpretation "significant changes" whilst ignoring the "sadness, grieving" ones.
I would dearly love to say to you it is just going to happen but I can't. Or alternatively I can say it will happen, but you are going to have to continue going through hell to get there and frankly that sucks.
You really are being put through a lot. I felt the same way so many times as I faced hurdle after hurdle. All I can say if trust your gut and do what you need to do. For us that meant finding a dr that was almost 5 hours away. I really hope things turn around and start to be more positive for you.
Oh lady I'm so sorry. It's all so unfair. I wonder daily why it can't be easier for us.
Sending hugs and support from the US!
Totally.... it is all shit! Hold on! Hugs.
IVF really is hard on a body, mind and spirit. I look back now on my journey and wonder how the heck I ever got through it and then yeah okay I had the blog world for support. Hoping against the odds that you'll have a positive still.
Sorry to hear you've still got a BFN and hoping it still changes.
That would have been amazing to see the owl too, regardless of it's spirit animal meanings or not. I don't think I've ever seen an owl in Finland, although I know they are here. Other birds, yes.... :)
Here from ICLW.
Sorry to hear this! It is so hard to be in the battle with no end in sight and feeling lost, left behind. I'm sending hugs your way and hope you get your miracle BFP!
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