There's this thing that I've made up in my mind... I call it 'the queue'. It's an imaginary queue that you end up waiting in when you're infertile and you're trying to have a baby.*
(If ONLY it was as easy as lining up and waiting your turn!)
Created largely by my need to make everything ordered and logical, and because of my insecurities with infertility and what-not, it looks a little something like this:
It's stupid and irrational - and we all know there is no rhyme or reason as to why some people, even infertiles, get pregnant faster than others - but there it is.
We were once that couple at the top, who got their baby - we made it to the front of the queue, we went through what we went through, and we were given our Georgia at the end of it. To a lot of those other folks still waiting in the queue, it was probably DAMN hard to watch us get there. But like most of them, we were in that queue before it was our turn, and we knew we would end up there again.
So... baby #2. To the back of the queue we went. Because it's only fair that way... lots of waiting people deserving their bubbas, so we'll wait. Plus, we now have this awesome little girl to keep us busy.
This time though, things went a little pear shaped.
We got to the front of the queue again, a little speedier the second time around, but alas... it didn't go as planned.
We lost the baby. And then we queued again, and we lost another baby. Rinse & repeat. And then we were back at the VERY end of the queue... and pretty bitter about it.
Fast forward all this time, and we're still stuck there in the queue. I wouldn't say we're at the end, and I wouldn't say we're at the front - there are plenty of folks out there who have yet to be blessed with a miracle of their own who I would very happily let jump in front of us, after all.
But man, I hate that we're back here again. And the hardest thing of all? QUEUE JUMPERS. Ah, the luxury of being one of those folks who can decide to get pregnant, and BAM. Two pink lines. Or, the lucky folks who go through infertility once.. and get blessed with a surprise/natural/easy pregnancy the second time around. Total pregnancy jealousy and envy, I have it - and probably will have it for as long as we're actively trying to expand our family. Queue jumpers make me happysad. Glad for them, sad for us.
Right now, we're feeling pretty alone. The moment where you realise that you're one of the last ones left. When seemingly everyone else around you has been blessed with a baby, or a pregnancy, in the time that you've been here waiting in the queue. When you're feeling like one of the last ones on this side of the fence, and where people have run out of things to say to make you feel better - not for lack of trying, but simply because they just don't know.
We're so grateful that the queue worked for us the first time around. We had our hardships and a terrifying time of wondering whether we would be childless - but once we moved to IVF, our journey was relatively smooth. Only a few stim rounds, a handful of transfers. I just wish that the queue had worked the second time around. I want more good news for us, and my other IF friends still in the trenches; for us to get to the finish line & hold a/another healthy baby in their/our arms.
And THIS, my friends, is what happens when you're feeling miserable & melancholy on a rainy Easter long weekend. Apologies for the less than impressive Paint drawings!
*Add hair/take away hair for same sex couples, of course. :)
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6 comments:
Feeling lovehate here. I love the way you put this, but hate that you have been stuck in line long enough to be able to do so.
I get it. I would have liked to have had more children too. But alas for me it wasn't meant to be.
I wish I knew something to say that would make any kind of difference, but I doubt those words actually exist. (If they did, I'd be shouting them from the rooftops.)
So many hugs, my dear.
xox
Oh I know how it feels. I know it is a tiny consolation but I am here holding your hand at the back of the queue. I
YES. THIS. ALL OF THIS.
I don't know why you have to be stuck in this queue forever, and go through all the challenges you've had to go through. Why is the world so...uneven? I don't know. But I'm sorry, it really is so unfair. I hope you get to the front of the line really soon!
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