Another Month, Another Due Date

Today is my due date for our second miscarriage - it highlights the last time I was pregnant, getting a positive test after a FET back in October. That pregnancy didn't last as long as the first miscarriage. It ended the week before we were due to have our viability scan. I've always felt a bit disconnected from this particular loss. Still sad, still disappointing - but we were less attached to this one, knowing that it wasn't progressing as it should have from levels very early on.

Aside from the actual reminders of our losses, the milestones that make us stop & remember, the hardest part about all of this is that we're still not pregnant again. In my heart of hearts, I always thought that after we lost our first pregnancy, that I'd be able to get pregnant again - that my body wanted to be pregnant, but that it simply wasn't the right embryo. After we lost this second one, I began to have doubts; especially since we've had several more transfers since then and all have been negative.

I knew this date was coming up, and lately I've seen reminders everywhere. Two blooms on our memorial rose bush. Two planets in alignment in the sky. I suppose I'd like to hope that if there really is something after all of this, that those two babies are together somewhere. Think what you like, but that notion gives me a bit of comfort.

Do I think we're done yet? No, I don't think we're done yet. I think we have another baby in our future, even if it feels like it's out of our reach right now. But today, I'll shed a few tears for the little ones who weren't ours to keep - and hope that my gut is right, and that we'll have happier endings one day soon.