It's not looking good.

This morning I had bloods drawn for my 18dpo doubling hcg test. To improve upon my number from Tuesday, we were aiming for an hcg increase up to 100.

It didn't double. But it didn't go down. We are quite literally stuck in this hell for another few days.

The nurse didn't sound hopeful & told me it looked as though our embryo implanted, but obviously isn't doing well - so by Tuesday, we'll know one way or the other. It's like a cruel joke, isn't it? More waiting, and not the good kind.

I had my 16dpo beta today. Ideally, they'd like the number to be at 100 for this point in time.

The quick version: FET #7 seems to have resulted in a chemical pregnancy.
The long version: FET #7 has been a cruel, cruel experience & has left me feeling defeated.

After the transfer of our little morula/early blastocyst, things got busy. We went to a concert the following night, which was amazing but loud; I jokingly commented that the little embryo had probably already vibrated right on out of there!

The next day, Georgia and I hopped into the car with my folks for an impromptu beach getaway. Hubby couldn't take time off due to a new job role starting, so it was just us. A good five hour drive up the coast later, we settled in to our holiday accommodation and spent the next little while relaxing.

I packed a single pregnancy test into my luggage. I thought that would help me from obsessing during the TWW. While I have it in my head that all frozen transfers are going to fail, I was surprisingly hopeful about this embryo. It's the nicest one we have had in a while, the lab scientists were happy, and I was happy too.

I started having symptoms from around 6dp4dt. Incredibly tired, aching back, sore boobs and a WHOPPER pimple that devoured my chin. The last time I had a breakout like that was last October, when I was pregnant. My skin always goes nuts before anything else!

I caved that night and peed. It was negative. Blindingly negative. I was kicking myself for testing too early, and went to the local grocery store to top up on pee sticks. The next morning was 7dp4dt, so I peed again. Once again, blindingly negative.

I've always had a line, albeit a squinty line, by 11dpo, in all of my previous pregnancies. It's basically my cut off, so I figured that was that. I chucked the pee sticks in the bin in a rage and considered this to be yet another failure.

8dp4dt was not a great day. I was snippy and crotchety and absolutely starving. Oh, and mad at the universe. We took Georgia to the beach and kept ourselves busy the entire day. I didn't pee on any sticks that day.

Since it was 9dp4dt, or 13dpo, I figured I would stop my pessaries and throw in the towel. I'm on a fairly hefty dose of progesterone for transfers now because of my previous losses - so it can take a while for a bleed to occur after stopping the pessaries. If there's one thing I hate doing, it's needlessly waiting around. I'd rather just move on, and get going again.

I peed on the stick, and went to shower. After I was done, I looked back at the stick and prepared to throw out the negative result.

Except it wasn't negative.

It wasn't dark, but it wasn't a squinter. It was a faint but visible second line. I then proceeded to have a panic attack on the bathroom floor, wearing nothing but my towel. It says pregnant. But it's faint. Is it TOO faint for 13dpo? It has to be too late now. It's probably a chemical. What if it's actually worked? What do I do now?

I'm sure most people would get a positive result on a pee stick and take for granted that all is fine, and not spend hours examining the strength of the line. Anyone who has lost a pregnancy will understand my terror, I think. This positive was throwing me for a loop.

My IVF friends have a saying: prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I was doing this, yes, but I'll admit, I was hoping for a miracle. We all hear stories of people who had a really late positive, or a really faint pregnancy test, or a really late implanter. Maybe this time, I could be one of those folks?

Unfortunately, I was not.

This morning's was fainter. This afternoon's was even fainter. Like, really faint, almost squint-worthy. Well, shit.

We are PUPO! FET #7... and a transfer that finally brought a smile to my face.

The scientist decided to thaw the best graded morula last night, so it grew a little more overnight. That meant that it managed to grow a little more into an early blastocyst! I guess that means we technically had a 4.5 day transfer.

You guys... a GOOD embryo! That looks nice! That isn't behind! This is all we've been praying for.

It's a funny feeling having an embryo transfer on October 15th, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This time last year, I was mourning our pregnancy loss. Little did I know that later that month, I would lose yet another pregnancy. This year, I'm lighting two candles for the little ones we've lost - and hoping with everything that I have, that maybe this little embryo in my uterus can stay.

I've lost a lot of hope over the last few years, but I'm throwing everything we've got at this one. Meet our newest embryo that's on board. It's a far cry from the sad one we transferred last time, that's for sure. :) 

Tomorrow night, we're going to see our favourite band - Lifehouse. I wish embryos had ears!

I've been quiet lately, I know. It's so hard to update when there is absolutely nothing to update about. Waiting, more waiting. I've been drowning in pregnancy announcements these past few weeks, and it hasn't been pretty.

How much longer do we have to be the ones sitting on the sidelines and smiling through blinding tears, watching someone else get to experience everything we've been dreaming about? Why are we being 'greedy' by wanting to give our kid a sibling? Why is the only news we ever seem to get always bad news?

As you can imagine, things have been pretty bumpy over here. I'm so tired, you guys. I'm tired of this whole thing. It's ironic; something that should be one of the easiest things in the world, one of the happiest times of your life, being something that leaves you terrified and so, so angry. You don't know what I'd give to be able to think about getting pregnant, and then.. ya know.. get pregnant.

I refuse to apologise for wanting to give my daughter a sibling. I refuse to apologise for fighting for this with everything I have, because we are not giving up on this dream. I refuse to apologise for feeling the way I do - because you know what? This is a shitty situation to be in, one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and it SUCKS.

When you think about all the worst case scenarios we've had happen to us in the last two years, it's almost laughable. It gets to a point where you've decided to be hopeful and to ignore things that have happened in the past, because 'it can't possibly get any worse!' - and then it does. And you're left there at the end, not quite sure what to make of it all. Is this all a sign? Am I cursed? It just feels like a bad luck streak that's never ending.

Tomorrow we have a scan and blood test, and I have this terrible feeling in my gut that we're going to end up having another cancelled cycle. I can't explain it; I've had twinges that remind me of cysts I've had previously - but yeah... it just feels like a bad omen. I'm crossing everything that I have and I HOPE I'm wrong! Wouldn't it be ironic to round out the year with more crappy news?

Anyway, I'll keep on keeping on, and I'll cope in the way that works the best for me. And if it means staying in hibernation mode, and focusing on my own little family for a little while longer, so be it.

After a cycle on the pill, we're gearing up to try again. This is going to be FET #7, all going well.

Nothing too exciting here: progynova (oestrogen) 3x a day, scan and bloods next week & then we see how everything is going.

If things look okay, we'll program in a transfer of one of the 4-day embryos. I asked if they'd grow them out, and they said no, they will do a morula transfer. I don't even have the energy in me to ask why, I'm just going with the flow this time around.

All of my questions and concerns and worries from previous rounds didn't have any impact on the outcomes, so I'm sort of going into this cycle fairly numb.. and with little to no expectations. Here we go again.