Lost

Where do you go for support when you feel like you don't fit in anywhere?

I have friends who've gone through IVF, but are pregnant now - they've never had to struggle with low numbers or failed cycles. I have friends who have gone through losses, but have no fertility issues - so have conceived again quickly. I have friends who needed help falling pregnant with number one, but managed a natural conception for number two - and they have no idea what it's like to go through this for the second time in a row, for 1+ year, with no end in sight.

And then of course, I have friends that have never experienced any of these things - infertility, IVF, miscarriage, failed cycles... and they legitimately have no idea how to handle any of this. Or how to handle ME.

It's not something you just get over. Yes, talking to people can help - and we've done that, several times. If there was a way to just switch off and think about something else, don't you think we would have done that?

Suggesting we go on a holiday, or to leave things for a few months, or that taking a break might be a good idea... you have no idea how much that hurts. Do you think that if we jetted off on a holiday, things would get better? That I wouldn't spend that entire trip thinking about expanding our family? That I wouldn't be freaking out about the costs involved, costs that could be going towards more fertility treatment? That I wouldn't be watching Georgia playing on her own, and feeling disheartened that the age gap between babies is widening with every passing day?

Every day that we wait feels like a few months. I wish I was exaggerating. I blink and it's this time last year, when we had high hopes for baby #2, good vibes for our frosties, excitement at hopefully having a smoother time second go around. Somehow, it's been a year - and we have nothing to show for it but heartache.

The worst thing would have to be the comments about being grateful for Georgia. As if for one second I don't think of how lucky I am to have her. After the way our frozen transfers ended up, I feel like I need to personally thank the scientist who chose her embryo to transfer first. I don't know how I would keep going without her. But the implication that I should be happy with what I've got, and not be so sad about not conceiving a second child... well, that is totally unfair. Would you say that to a fertile person? Would you tell them to just be happy with what they've got, and to move on, or focus on other things?

I think for the most part I'm doing a pretty good job of putting on my happy face and getting on with things. Georgia won't ever know how much this hurt, because I will make SURE she doesn't see. Sometimes though, I need to be miserable. I need to cry. I can't fake a smile 24 hours a day. There are people out there who are also struggling to conceive - I'm not selfish enough to believe that I'm the only one going through this. I know. I just don't know where I fit in anymore.

I'm floundering around feeling completely lost. I'm trying not to lose total faith in this cycle, but already wishing the next few months away. The fact that March is coming up, our first little one's due date... that doesn't help.